I am here

Hi. Are you there? I am here.

It's dark...and quiet. I don't see a light around. But I see me and that other me too. She's watching me. Wondering when I'm going to come out. Wondering when I'm going to shut up and get over it. Frustrated. Angry. Embarrassed of me. Because I'm her weakness. I'm the side she doesn't want others to see.

But I am here. I'm always here. And I think...maybe you are here too. We want to leave...but we don't know how. We just curl up. We cry. A lot. We don't want to talk to anyone...and we don't talk to each other. Even though that might help, maybe.

We sit in the dark. Alone.

Maybe your darkness is like mine? Maybe you also feel empty and hollow? Maybe you feel worthless, ugly, defeated? A failure? Broken?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel scared? Maybe you can hardly leave your house because you think you'll never see it or the people again? Maybe you feel like if you don't keep it together it will all be ruined?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you worry. Maybe you constantly feel like everyone just pretends to like you or care about you? Do you feel different? Do you feel unwanted? Do you feel stupid?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel out of control? Like you can't stop yourself obsessing and looking and asking and checking? You don't get to rest and your mind won't shut up and it just goes around and around and around and You can't breathe. You can't speak. You just need it to feel right and then you can calm down?

Yea...yea me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel abandoned? Maybe you feel judged? Maybe you feel like people only ask or pretend to care out of duty but in reality...they don't see you? They don't hear you. They don't have your back. You're alone.

Me too. I am here.

And maybe...maybe you feel like you're broken. Maybe you feel like it's all your fault. Maybe everything is crumbling around you and the world is shifting beneath your feet and you don't know what's going to happen. The harder you try the harder you seem to fail and the more You give the more you lose. You can't see the future anymore and the past seems a dream and you just. Don't. Know.

Yea. Me too. I am here.

That's why I'm talking today. That's why she's letting me out. Cause we both think that maybe you need to know. Maybe you need to be reminded that in the dark quiet space...I'm here too. I know. What led us here isn't exactly the same...but think of me more as your next door neighbor. I get it. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not also crying...but I have to keep going. I have to keep walking. There isn't any other choice.

I know it's lonely. I know it's suffocating. I know it's overwhelming. And for me and many of you....It's probably never going away. But I wanted to remind you....I get it. I know. And if you need me, I've got you.

I am here.

2 Years

It's been two years. Two years since I've blogged anything. I realize that says a lot. I apparently blog when there is too much on my mind that I can no longer handle it. I blog when I'm sad, or hurt, or angry. Rarely do I blog when I'm happy. 

I feel that's sad for those who read this...but for me it's cathartic. And what's incredible is that for 2 years I have not felt at a point where I need the outlet. I've had so many sources of happiness, and so many ways to artistically express myself, that I've not felt the need to write.

Until now. And really now is only because it's been building up...slowly. Not solely one event, but many events. Many thoughts. Many feelings. All wrapped up. Building. Stirring around in my mind and my soul until they are bursting and I don't know how to feel calm again. 

3 months ago I performed on stage to a song called. "Get It Right". Here are some lyrics from that song.

What Have I Done?

I Wish I Could Run

Away From This Ship Going Under

What Can You Do, When Your Good Isn't Good Enough?

And All That You Touch Tumbles Down.

My Best Intentions Keep Making A Mess Of Things

I Just Want to Fix It Somehow

But How Many Times Will It Take...

To Get It Right?

I don't think anyone understands how those words spell the anthem to my heart. To my soul. 

I have realized that for a very good portion of my life...really...all of my life....I have never felt good enough. I have felt that despite my desires, my efforts, my wishes, I have screwed up everything and everyone around me.

I can count on one hand the people who have stayed around and never left.

I can't even fill up one hand with people that I haven't hurt or offended. In fact...there is probably no one who can say that I've never hurt them.

Yet...never once in my life...have I ever wanted to hurt anyone.

All I've wanted is for people to be happy and, if possible, be a reason they smile sometimes.

But really, if I'm honest with myself....I don't feel like anyone really needs me to be happy. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone that people want around. Deep down...I don't understand why anyone would want me in their life.

It's exhausting. I realize that, like an actress, I put on a mask every day. I have to be the person everyone expects of me. I can't be myself or truly express myself because if I did, everyone would hate what they would see. I act like I have my shit together, but in reality I'm just trying not to drown. I'm trying, every day, to find my purpose. To feel worthwhile. To feel like someone that the world sees value in.

To feel needed.

To feel special.

To feel heard.

Perhaps we all feel that way...at least some of the time. Maybe we are all just lonely people trying to figure out how to stop feeling lonely. 

Or perhaps...that's just me. And perhaps that will always be me. Perhaps no matter what, I will have to learn to embrace the solitude. Perhaps I am incapable of truly connecting with the world. Perhaps that is why it always seems to fall apart.

I feel ungrateful. I feel broken. I have an adoring husband, and 3 wonderful creatures that just shower me with affection. That should be enough. This home....this place...I should feel grateful that at least here I can feel needed. Here I can feel loved and wanted. As I'm writing this....my sweet Yuna is placing her paw and my face and trying to give me kisses. Somehow she knows I'm empty right now.

That's probably why I like animals so much more than humans.

You can be at your worst...and they still see you as enough.

But still...I wonder. Will I ever feel at peace outside of these moments? Will I ever stop trying to figure out how to fit in, be seen and be heard in a world that has always felt just out of my reach?

I doubt I'll ever be allowed....to really be myself. I'll never be allowed to let everyone see who I am, what I think and what I feel.

It's all just an act. This world is simply a stage. I am merely an actress doing my best to put on a great show. 

Sometimes I really suck at acting.

Divorce, Desertion, Despair and Deliverance

It is an interesting thing...time teaches so many lessons, many which we would rather not learn at all. It is a painful experience to learn that often the things which we thought were forever, end up becoming the most painful and bitter lessons of your life. It is sad to learn that those who you give your heart to, have the power to destroy it more fully than any enemy ever could.

This year I went through a Divorce. As far as Divorces go, it was an easy an uncomplicated one. But the legal logistics do not even give glimpse of the emotional pain the process of loosing what you hoped and dreamed of feels like. 

I loved my ex husband. He was someone I trusted, and gave my fragile and dented heart to. I went into marriage with determination and hope that we would be a solid couple. After a series of events, that I won't go into, I found my marriage broken and suffocating. I felt so lost.

I prayed alone, and I went to the temple alone. I fasted. After a long period of fasting and praying in the temple, I received my answer...the same one I had been receiving for 6 months. And sad and bitter were my tears that night as I asked "Why?" Why did this have to be the answer? Why did I have to go through this? Why couldn't I fix this? Surely there was more that I could do? Surely I could find a way to be more forgiving? Surely I could be more patient? Surely, eventually, the emptiness would go away? Why, why?

And in my sorrow, I received a quiet and firm answer,

"I love you both enough to heal you both, it is time to let go. It is not your job to heal him, it is mine. Let go."

I cried more fervently. My heart ached knowing what I was going to do and the pain that it would cause both him and I. I realized in that moment I had to follow the answer I was given, even if it mean I would loose everything and everyone I knew.

So I followed. I obeyed. And the following journey was the most hellish of my life.

It is an interesting thing to know you are doing the right thing, but to feel like an utter failure. To feel that your friends and family are all seeing you differently. To feel that many of them are judging you. To worry that everyone will see you as the villain.  I learned during that time who my real friends were. I found that people I never thought would be there in a pinch, become my rocks. They opened their homes to me, they offer to help feed me, they gave me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. They encourage me to keep going to to church, to read my scriptures and to pray...

At the same time I felt the Desertion and loneliness. Friends I had known for years disappeared, judge me, focused on my faults and offered no mercy, nor understanding, and certainly no forgiveness. They would say the most hurtful things, doing what only those you love can do...they caused more pain than it felt I could bare. 

My pain and anger began to make me cold and hard. I became calloused to things of the Spirit. I felt like I must walk this path alone and that there was no one to help or understand. I questioned every decision I had ever made. I hated myself. I hated my reflection. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.  Certainly death would be better than the pain.

In this Despair I felt surely I had found my destruction. I didn't know how to get out of it. I kept going to church and found no comfort, I read my scriptures and they felt like empty words, and I prayed to a silent echoing room. I plead for someone or something to understand. Even though I knew there were people there for me, I felt utterly alone.

Then in this valley of darkness, I felt a hand grasp mine. A friend, who had stood by through the months of my worst self, was seeking to understand. Seeking to know what had kept me from truly giving up. I quietly shared a deep, almost buried testimony. I spake of Christ, the atonement, and the comforter. As I spoke, I found my words coming more easily. I felt a ray of light and warmth, but I still hid, my Despair had made me afraid to hope.

It isn't until one morning, as I sat with this friend, and was surrounded by family at the prophet's feet, that my Despair began to shatter. I heard the words of Christ and like a fountain of living water I felt them rushing over my heart. I realized that even though I forgot how to love myself, my Heavenly Father and Savior never did. I felt their love. And like a flash of lighting on a summer night, my sky was illuminated, and I realized, I was never alone.

The atonement saves the sinner, the broken heart, the suffering soul. Deliverance comes in the hands of whom delivered us all. He who descended below them all knows how to bring us above them all.
Life didn't get instantly better...but I began to focus on the Savior. I focused on the searching soul of my friend and I was amazed and humbled as I watched the Spirit soften his heart. I heard his prayers slowly change from ones of anger and pain, to ones full of humility and true searching. I found my own prayers were changing. As I saw the Atonement heal his life, I felt it piecing back mine.

I watched this incredible man enter the waters of baptism. I had no idea my journey would lead me to that moment. I had no idea that a friendship that started with a common interest in fitness and anime, would save my testimony through his own conversion. Tears flooded my eyes that day as I saw him brought up from the water, his grin spread wide from ear to ear. I felt the power of his confirmation. I shook hands with the missionaries that taught him, the stake presidency that had grown to love him. I heard their praise of this man, and their commendation to me for introducing him to the gospel. But I realized it was never me.

After a while I realized I had been giving my heart to this man. It scared me. Feeling a flirtation and interest was one thing, but being in a relationship entirely another.  It scared me to let go. It scared me that it was so soon. I wondered what people would think. I worried about the judgement...I also asked myself if I was just rebounding. I went to my knees. And answers came with hardly any asking. I knew what was right. It became a matter of once again being brave enough to do. I sought to focus on my new found peace and happiness. I began to press forward with faith, even though events were not following my timeline. I felt as Nephi, going forward not knowing beforehand what I would do. 

Then amidst this new found happiness, I was brought down again. By a new hurt. A new betrayal. More poisonous and hurtful words. I tried pleading with those I thought once cared. I plead for them to understand, and received no such care or no compassion. I realized I had foolishly been vulnerable to the wrong source. I learned a new truth, that my feelings only matter to others as long as it serves them. In days I allowed myself to be brought down low. I felt the pain of my Gethsemane over again and I wept bitterly. I wished someone could understand.

In the arms of my safety, and by the words of my stalwart friends and family, I came to realize once again the lesson I had temporarily forgotten. I forgot that there is One who understands the pain. All of it. From the very beginning and in every way. Every blessing I've received in the past months, every answered prayer, every inspired word came flooding to my mind as I prayed and cried in the privacy of my closet. I remembered. The Savior knew loneliness. None were with Him in the end. He too was wrongfully accused and wrongfully judged. He felt the betrayal and denial of those whom He loved and called friend. He was sent to the crucifixion by jeers and calls for His blood by those He loved and came to save. In Gethsemane he felt my pain individually. I remembered the words told to me in a recent blessing "Your Father in Heaven and Savior love you, as no other daughter, for there is no other daughter like you. They do not want a moment or a day to go by that you don't remember they love you." As I focused on these words, I once again felt that deliverance.

Those who have hurt me will obviously never know my pain. The wrongs they feel I have committed made them feel justified to say and do the things they have. I have cried and sorrowed over the pain I must have caused them...but I realize I cannot hope to believe that they will ever feel or understand mine. But it is alright in the end...for the One who does, has once again become my best friend. And Him I love with my whole soul.

I am divorced but not defeated.
I have felt desertion and despair, and from both I was delivered.

My life has been full of miracles and blessings. I have had an outpouring of love from true friends and family. I have felt the song of gratitude and praise for my God who hath delivered me. I have come to learn, that as dark and painful the night, morning will come. The future is as bright as my Faith and the Lord created me to have joy. I don't know why I ever had to go through the experiences I did. Today, for the first time through this whole experience, I wish I had never married. I wish I had never even met him. But that is not the case. I cannot change the past. I can only learn from the pains, from my own mistakes, and from the lessons of time. I know that I have received forgiveness. A servant of the Lord, with full authority and power, declared to me that I am as clean as I was the morning I knelt in the Lord's holy temple. He reprimanded me to let the past go. To know that I no longer need to carry the hard shield that has protected me. He spoke with power telling me I can move forward, and be happy once again. It may have happened, yes, but the Atonement has made it as if it never did. "Move forward" he said "never feel you need to justify it again. It is finished. It is time to be happy."

These last couple days I forgot that counsel. The adversary apparently does not want me to be happy or feel good about myself. He had someone I thought was a friend, write me a horrible letter that told me how horrible and selfish I was, and I read it as I was driving down to Provo to help a person in need. Then this morning I found out more hurtful news. It as if he, in these days that should be happy, is trying in every way to bring up my past and make me question the peace and forgiveness and happiness I have found.

I refuse. I no longer will let him, or any other force take another day of my happiness. That is not the lesson I learned. I learned how to stand up and stand strong. I learned that I can do hard things. I learned how to not just talk of the Atonement, but to apply it in my own life. I learned how to have faith again. I learned how to trust myself again. I learned how to love again. I learned how to let go and Let God. 

So tonight I will wrap up in the arms of a man who has stood by and loved me when I wasn't lovable. I will hug and kiss my sweet baby girl who has cuddled on my lap for the last several hours and licked away every tear. I will laugh again. I will look forward. I will not only avoid looking in the rear view mirror, I will take it down. I will keep driving forward. With hope in my heart, charity in my soul, and a spring in my step.

Expressing

"I would build walls for miles around me

Around anything that hurt, any sensitive category

Kept love at an arms length, it was natural to me

You did not agree

You said things like "Unhealthy" 

And I took on the task

Of changing my pattern

All you did was ask

And all the walls all came crashing

At a welcoming speed

I was convinced you'd never hurt me

I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time....

Bouncing my heart around, like a cheap rubber toy....

And after countless hours, of crying

Trying to forgive you

Believe you,

Grow a spine and leave you,

Grieve you

I've come to this conclusion.

No one prepares when choosing to stay

How to dare share a bed again,

Keep demons at bay

You took something precious

Just meant for me

How could you not see...?

And I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time..."

-Maria Mena

I hesitate to write anything, I've been avoiding it for a very long time. Trying to protect the person that was most dear to my heart. But I guess that's all past now. If expressing my feelings is allowed, then I will express them. If it's not allowed...then I apologize. But I will express. 

How do I even begin to paint the picture of hell that I've known for two years? Well...even longer than that, I just didn't know what it was at the time? How do I explain the pain of something so fragile being torn apart? How do I explain the renewed heartache and constant re-breaking as my feelings got brushed aside? All I can do is say...imagine this:

After the discovery...after the pieces now all line up and you understand why you have been feeling neglected, and alone...your world falls apart. You cry, and you plead. You struggle to stay patient, forgiving. Yet there is now a void in your heart...a void that isn't getting filled...in fact it is growing. You hate yourself. Hate that you can't get back what you once had. Hate that you feel crazy...you can't trust, you don't believe. You see lies and deceit in everything. Jealousy. Resentment. You go mad as you battle the demons raging inside of your head. You feel inadequate. You blame yourself for what has happened. It must have been your fault to begin with. You fight feeling helpless. You fight feeling worthless. Your confidence has been beaten...and you now feel guilty that you can't overcome the hurt and betrayal. You wonder why you can't be better, stronger, kinder? You're expected to let this go. Become the bigger person. Forgive. Trust.

So you try. You fight your demons day and night. You realize the only way to survive is to put on a mask and to bury everything...deep down and far away. The pain becomes an echo and you can go on for a while like everything is back to normal. You laugh, yet you don't feel happy. You smile yet you don't feel joy. You cry yet you don't feel sadness. You don't feel....everything has become a shadow...a faded version of what it should be. Slowly your wall and mask begin to crack. You start loosing control little by little...until one day one cataclysmic moment bursts the guard and everything comes flooding back. Sadness and acute pain...it wracks at you and cuts you. You thought you had experienced heart-wrenching sadness before, but you had no idea. You realize you have been dying slowly each day.

Yet still....you stay. You keep waging the war. More pleading. More tears. More burying. Fear engulfs you. You feel trapped. You cry out to God begging for an answer. For relief. For guidance. He gives it. In another painful, shattering blow. You fall again. You can't breath. You can't think.

Again you're expected to forgive. To trust. To overcome. So you try. You do everything you know how. You seek guidance, strength, perspective. You fall to your knees over and over. You watch. You plead until your voice grows silent. Nothing is happening. Apathy becomes the new dagger of hurt. There is no true sorrow. No true remorse. No true sign of understanding. So you lock up your emotions again...you keep waiting...hoping...praying. 

Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are dead. You see ghosts within...the lines on your face have deepened. The ache in your body comes from a place more destructive than physical. You see no happiness...your countenance is dull. You are fading. You are loosing yourself to the sorrow, and the pain. You realize your heart is gone. Sheltered behind walls of iron and stone. 

Finally...the pain has grown enough...enough to realize anything would be better than this. Rejection. Humiliation. Judgement. Loneliness. Condemnation. 

All would be worth it...if it meant your heart could heal. If it could find peace within the darkness. Even if it meant you stood alone...forever. You would at least have yourself.

Finally you have enough courage. Finally you have been humbled enough. Finally you begin to walk blindly and take a leap of faith. 

The plunge is heartbreaking...but nothing compared to the past 2 years. As the decision is made and followed, peace begins to encompass you. You feel relief. You feel light. There begins to grow a shred of hope...you feel you must protect it. You are not the same...but you know you will survive.

Imagine all of this...and then understand...it is only a scratch on the real thing.

I have come to realize that others cannot hope to understand my pain and heartache. Some will try and be empathetic, other's will simply not see it at all...or they will diminish it. But that is alright. At the end of the day I want to be able to look into the mirror and see myself again. I want the hollowness to be filled again. I want to feel safe to love and trust again. I can't change what happened nor can I control the emotional and mental effects it had on me. All I can do is the best with my present choices now. I am ready to rise.

Inner Nature, Inner Voice

There is a voice inside of me, quiet, almost still. It is a strange voice, yet somehow, I know it well. It has been ignored, neglected, and even at times silenced. But I feel it awakening once again. Ever so slowly it is beginning to become louder and louder. I’m terrified to listen, but I know that to ignore it any longer will be even more frightening.

Time has taught me to silence that voice. Expectations of others have formed their own voices inside of me that yell and seek to have me follow their ways. Self-doubt has sewn seeds of mistrust. Fear or rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of loneliness has driven me so forcibly down a path without truly stopping to listen to that voice, my own soul, and my inner compass that knows me better than anyone in this world, even myself. What will happen if I begin to heed its direction? I have no idea. I am terrified of relinquishing preconceived notions of my life. I am terrified of exploring my deepest self…what will I discover? What demons will I unearth? What light will begin to shine forth?

Inner Nature….the true source of self. The admittance of “Things Are as They Are”. Ignorance and neglect of this nature leads everyone to sorrow, confusion and pain. When we listen, when we accept, when we embrace everything “as it is”, we begin to see real change. We begin to appreciate the individual beauty and suppleness of every soul and every form of life in this world. If we begin to explore and discover our own inner nature, we become changed forever. We find humility in admitting our limitations, and power in understanding what we can and cannot do about those limitations. We find courage and self-acceptance as we discover the power we hold within us, the force for good and light.

It is unfortunate that we become so consumed with a “higher goal” or “grand reward” that we forget that we are here on a journey. A journey to find joy, love and beauty. A journey in which we have the capacity to do good and change the world, even in a small way. Life should not be lived in fear, in a constant rush to aim higher, be better, or conform to our society’s definition of who we ought to be. Life was meant to be cherished, to be the greatest experience of our eternal souls. When we sit back, become quiet and still, and listen to that inner voice that is connected with the source of all truth, we can find direction, purpose and peace in this life.

Too often we cause ourselves pain. Fear and pride lead us to these places and frequently keep us there. What might happen if we let go of fear? If we let go of our definition of “the way things SHOULD be”. Things are as they are….we cannot change what is. We can only change our reaction, our appreciation and acceptance of those facts. If we allow ourselves to gently ride the current of life, travel with it through the ups, downs, twists, and turns, we will find that we will reach our destination with fewer bruises. When we fight against the current, when we deny who we are and what we are capable of, we do ourselves a disservice. We spend our lives aspiring to be someone else and miss the beautiful truth that WE are glorious even in our imperfections.

We are not defined by the darkness or the light that resides in us. We are defined of our use of that darkness and light. Our weakness can become sources of strength if we stop trying to make them disappear. If we can, instead, learn to work with them and redirect their energy, we will find that they can be forces of change in us. Just as powerful is the acceptance of our light. Of our own unique abilities and qualities. Our Inner Nature is begging that we stop trying to be who we are not and instead embrace who we are. We were never meant to be as another. We were meant to be our purest and most powerful self.

I am allowing my journey to lead me to my Inner Nature and allow that voice to guide the rest of my life. I am finished with walking the path “I think” I’m supposed to walk. I am determined to enter the path I was always meant to travel and embrace the wonders that path will discover. This is key to joy and the key to happiness. To walk my true path and embrace my true self.  

Breaking.

(Disclaimer: do not read this post if you're looking for something inspiring or uplifting. This was an outlet tonight...it isn't beautifully written or touching. It just is.)


 

I'm breaking. No point in denying it, I am breaking. I think weekly meltdowns and living in a constant state of anxiety are definitive signs that I'm not alright. Work. School. Gym. Homework. Home. Family. Church. I want to do it all, but I'm failing. Everywhere I turn I am failing. I want to throw my hands up and scream to the world "Screw it, I quit!!"...but those words are not in my vocabulary. Not at all.

I've brought this on myself, and I have no other person to blame. I thought I could do it all. I thought I was superwoman. No big deal. I can please everyone, including myself, and get everything done. It worked for a while...then my seemingly flawless world of marble started cracking. I started cracking. 

The turn of the year is where it started....my own life was stressful, disorganized, and I felt incomplete. My job was stressful, and I felt I carried a great portion of its' weight on my shoulders. My husband and I were fighting and struggling. He changed jobs. Then I found out my mother lost her job. Bam. A blow...a low piercing blow that affected the people I care most about. The worry and helplessness I felt is hardly describable.Then my life began to spiral...I became sick. I experienced the first of many anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was throwing up. So I went to my parents. I took a break. It was so needed. I  made some life changing decisions. I came home with hope. 

Then I lost hope. Another blow. Crushing. Devastating. Heart-wrenching. It tore me from all foundations. It was the most acute pain I have ever felt. Taking into account every miserable experience I've faced in the last 10 years. How I came out of it...I have no idea. I guess I'm still not entirely out of it. But I ran for change. I started school. I found satisfaction again. I dug to find my own strength and purpose.

But the weight is still there. I have always been responsible. It has always felt like my job was to be strong. No matter what, I had to keep the faith....even as a child. Keep on trekking. I could cry and I could struggle, but I couldn't quit. I couldn't dissapoint. I have to be reliable. I have to think of others first. I did everything I could to not be the reason for anyone to cry, to mourn, to worry. 

I failed.

I am still failing. Those expectations are still there for me. Be strong. Be courageous. Be faithful. Be positive. Be responsible. Be forgiving. Be selfless. Be righteous. Be good. Be wonderful. Even if everyone else around you fails you, and disappoints you...forgive them. Love them. Trust them. Move on. Be there for them. Be strong for them. If they judge you, just smile and move on. 

And those expectations now have been added on to. Serve faithfully. Love your husband. Be a good worker. Be a mother. Be self reliant. Be a good homemaker. Be a great wife. Be a great employee. Be a great student. Be a great teacher. Be a great friend. 

So when life comes at you. When others leave work I STILL have to be there. Because I care. Because I am responsible. Because I don't want to hurt anyone.

When my heart is broken, past what feels repairable...when everything I trusted and everything I cherished was ruined...I have to forgive. I have to move on, move past and be strong. I have to remind myself, it isn't about me.

When God seems to have abandoned me. I have to have faith. I have to be grateful. I have to look for His hand. I have to be humble and I have to trust.

When others look at me asking "When are you going to have a baby?", I have to smile and pretend the judgement doesn't cut me. Even though it isn't there business. I have to let it go.

When I'm told that I have all the time in the world for myself. When I'm told, in any way, that my lot isn't difficult. That I am selfish. That I am lucky for my pretty little life....I have to bite my tongue, bite back the tears and keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs,

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN AND HELL I'VE BEEN CLIMBING THOUGH!"

And then I cry. I cry alone and I cry because...for the first time in my life...I feel that no one can reach me. No one can feel this pain I'm feeling. I cry to my God and I only feel silence. I feel alone. And in that moment I feel and I see all of the cracks in my marble...and I realize I am breaking. 

Yet...this broken piece of stone still has to get up in the morning...put a smile on and face the world. I will post this, then feel guilty two seconds later because some people will read it and see the ugly truth about me. They will see that I am weak, and vulnerable and depressing. 

Yet tonight it wasn't about them or anyone else. It was about me. I need to release. I needed to write. I needed to extract some of the poison that is coursing through my heart. I have wept bitterly this night...but the only solace I have found is the simple act of writing it all out. And not just deleting it, because that feels like I'm burying it again. It is out there now. For me to look back upon. For me to admit. Maybe that's what I partially needed...confession. I needed to admit to no one in particular but to the universe at large, that I am breaking. I do not feel strong enough.

This wasn't a pretty blog post....

Tomorrow I'll repent. I'll write something uplifting and inspiring. I'll talk about all the good and progress in my life. 

But tonight I couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight I could only cry.

Don't

Don't judge me when you see me, don't assume when you haven't asked. 
Don't pretend you know my journey, when you're ignorant of my past.
Don't try to be a guru, and tell me what to do.
Don't believe you understand me, until you've walked in my shoes.

Don't tell me I'm an angel, before you know what's in my head.
Don't dare call me a devil, until you've seen the tears I've shed.
Don't compare your life's story, to mine in any way.
Don't believe you have me figured, until you've heard what I have to say.

Don't laugh at my struggles, and don't envy what I've gained.
Don't mock my living heart ache, until you've witnessed my pain.
Don't believe every smile, that crosses my blank face.
Don't think that I don't pretend, and rely on hidden grace.

Don't befriend me on the surface, then send stabs behind my back.
Don't think you can teach me, to make up for what I lack.
Don't tell me pretty words, that you think I want to hear.
Don't put a mask to hide yourself, and think we can be near.

Don't think you know me better, than myself and God above.
Don't try to offer anything, except your unfeigned love.
Don't try to be a hero, and don't try to be a saint.
Don't live a life in such a way to be something that you ain't.

There's too much to each of us to try and place a name.
All we can is love and laugh, and play life like a game.
So Don't take life too seriously, and worry through and through.
Let go, don't hold on, and allow love to change you.