Come Home

I have been contemplating much on the idea of hope…hope for a future unknown, hope for love, hope for joy, salvation, and hope for every desire of our hearts. Hope. It is a word used flippantly, but holds so much power. How many of us truly hope? How often do we ignore the bitter darkness of lost dreams and focus above on the ray of light illuminating our hopeful future? Too little…too little.

I used to wallow in the dismal expanse of circumstance; only seeing the wasteland of shattered pieces lying about me never once looking above to see the sky clearing and that silver lining giving way to glorious sunrise. Like so many, I focused on the things I did not have and the things I was not able to achieve. I tried to remain happy, but it was a losing battle; faith was shaking and I was slowly breaking. The winds cried around me, screaming “Why? Why me? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I deserve this?” Why, why, why? That’s what I constantly fought against.

Then, one day, a ray burst through the clouds. It was brilliant, blinding, and filled me with warmth. While I basked in its illuminating glow, I was able to forget where I was. It no longer mattered! I had my ray of sunshine and I was warm. I was joyous. Without thinking I slowly followed that ray of sun as it led me through my troubled path. There were times I strayed from its’ reach, but I was always quick to return. The more I concentrated on the sky the more I noticed the clouds dissipating, replaced with beautiful sky. Eventually I was able to look around…and my world had changed.

The barren wasteland had transformed to a green sea bursting with colors and life. A blue clear sky spread from horizon to horizon and the sun beamed its dazzling light across the expanse of my world. Everything was lush and vibrant, radiating joy and happiness. It was intoxicating and welcomed me in with open arms.

I find myself in tears as I wander in this amazing world. There are mysterious paths here and unknown terrain, but I do not fear them. My sun stills illuminates those roads. There are places, too that are familiar and inviting. I often spend time in each of these, content to let time happy roll along, in no fear that I’ll miss anything while I enjoy my moment. And yet again there are shadows of distant memories, my past world still lingering here and there. I don’t dwell on those. There isn’t much light, so I don’t see the point. I walked and learned all those roads and I will not return. I found my light, and I will go wherever it reaches.

I found my hope. Through the darkest most miserable point in my life it was able to give me a ray…a glimmer. My ray was Christ. My glimmer was His words of peace. I latch onto Him…and as I focused my attention on His warmth, the clouds became thinner and I slowly followed Him to a new place. His light opened my world, and in that world I have found everything, everything I could have dreamed of. But it started with that ray of HOPE.

“Hope guides us it’s what gets us through the day and especially the night”. I love these words. If there was more hope in the world, sadness would decrease, loneliness would flee, and love would abound. If people hoped more and mourned less, each life would change for the better. The end of the journey wouldn’t be an end, but a glories opening to a new beginning.

I know that there are so many who will read this and feel there is no hope for them. In theory it is a nice sentiment, but in there reality, no clouds are breaking, and no rays are beckoning. To you let me tell you, the key to the clouds is this.

“Whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” –Ether 12:4

Believe in GOD. Believe on His name. Believe the Father of your souls and the creator of all things would not leave you abandoned and alone. His light will reach you if you but cast aside your doubts and fears, whatever they may be, and seek out the light behind the clouds.

No matter you pain, no matter the hurt you face, He will comfort you. The Savior felt those pains, He is ready to succor.

No matter how black you past, no matter how deep your sin, He will forgive you. The Savior has already paid for those mistakes, He is ready to welcome you HOME.

Come to him. That is my plea. This is your hope. By looking upwards and seeking for him, you will find His light beckoning you on to a better world.

I know so many who are standing where I stood…who may be even more lost than I was.
Come back. Come join me. There is Hope for you; there is light and joy beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t stay lost in your own state of self-loathing, of pitty, of anger and depression. Find that light. It is there, I promise it is there. It will come to you during your “trial of faith” if you but seek it and welcome it.

We are not alone.

We are loved beyond measure.

God and His Son love us more than we can imagine and they are waiting to welcome us home.

This is hope.

Feelings

I didn't know what else to call this post...it isn't very descriptive, and I guess I could say that what I'm feeling right now isn't easily described either.

I'm engaged officiallly now, and the wedding is in 2 and 1/2 months. I can't wait until it is here and over. The stress and pressure of these last months is maddening. It will be nice to feel like I can breath again. Don't get me wrong, the planning is a ton of fun! It is simply the rest of the worries and struggles that come along with being engaged are wearing on me.

I guess that is why all the rest of what I'm feeling is dragging me down more...things that I'm usually able to deal with, are all just rubbing me the wrong way. It's so hard because I feel trapped. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling, and I wish I did. I'm torn as well, because I know I shouldn't complain...but I don't know what other way to get this off my chest.

Life is so full of drama it seems. Leaving Florida didn't take that away, and neither did getting engaged. It still followed and has simply taken a different form...and is working double hard to pull me down. If it isn't one thing, it is another. I guess the key is learning how to not let it affect you at all...and I'm definitely not at that point yet.

I feel that I'm in uncharted territory and that I've stumbled. Few times, and even lost my way. At least the Lord is there...I'm so grateful for that. There is Another feeling....gratitude for the blessing of my Savior and the atonement. What a miracle in my existence.

Man...I feel so scattered brained...this is the most random post.

Let us just say, I'm still figuring out the journey. Falling in love didn't end my problems or stop the lessons coming my way. I simply have new ones, and need do find out how to handle them soon.

Somtin Girl

Letting Go

October 13th...over two months since my previous blog. So much has happened, and things I once said would never be are now blossoming into fruition. The Lord has continued to surprise and bless me...even though I feel in many ways I do not deserve it. It has been a remarkable journey, and one I have never tread before.

I'm in love again. I use to be scared to admit it, but finally I've pulled down that wall, and now I can say it with joy. I'm in LOVE and I'm going to marry him. He's my best friend, and the one man I know I can trust eternally with my heart. He's been there for me for over two years...patiently waiting in the background for me to finally wake up, open my eyes, and see him for who he truly is. Now that I have, there is no going back. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but him. Being away from him causes me pain, and being without him has become an unbearable idea. I choose that man to be my companion for eternity, and I want him to hold onto me forever.

My emotions are actually very close to the surface right now, and I'm not sure how to adequately express all I'm feeling. I'm feeling joy, peace, comfort, and excitement; but I'm also feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not only am I going three days without seeing my other half, but I'm also feeling homesick for both my earthly and heavenly homes.

It's my mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mami), and I wish I could be with her for it. I wish I could give her a huge hug and kiss and tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she has done for me. She was a rock when I had a shaky foundation and she has stood by my side since the moment I was born.

I also met with my Bishop and had a very good meeting with him, but it's also caused me to reflect upon myself...and upon my weaknesses. How desperately I wish that I could kneel at my Savior's feet and pour out my soul to him. How I yearn for His arms to surround me and let me know He loves me and knows me. I want to be more like Him and I'm saddened by my human frailities.

Yet, most of all, I miss the one who's arms instill the greatest sense of comfort and security. I miss the hands that tenderly caress me, and the eyes which hold my future in them. I wish he was here. I wish I could hop in a car and be with him in moments. It seems a cruel joke to be so in love with someone but so far away. I can hardly wait for the day when I never have to be separated from him again. I long for the morning I can wake up knowing he will be the first person I see.

These are uncharted waters. I've never been this deep before, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know quite how to handle all of this and in so many ways it still seems so unreal. Am I really in love again? Am I really talking about getting married? Is there really a man who loves me more than anything and wants ME??

It has been a process getting here...it's been a scary journey of taking down my walls and allowing my heart to feel again. But they did come down...and guess what...

I'm letting go.

Letter To A Friend

I wrote a letter to my friend this morning...I feel I have to share a good part of it on my blog.

"I can't believe that I've been here for a month now...time has rushed by so quickly, and yet in the same breath I can say that this has been such a full and eventful month. It's crazy! I thought and knew that things would be different here, but I had no idea the extent. It's almost a 180 switch from Florida.

I know it may sound corny but, I feel like a new person here. Not really different...just new. Like I was a piece of tarnished silver that someone took a cloth to and made it gleam again. I don't feel weary and worn anymore...I feel light. I feel free.

I'm glad that you can sense that. This woman you see now is more of the woman I use to be. The happy, upbeat and positive individual who has a zest for life. Of course, I will forever be different than who I once was. I know I'll never truly be able to go back to the times where I was a hopeless romantic...one who saw the world in an unshaded light.

No. I'll never be her again. Experience has taught and calloused me. I will always be hard...yet I realize that I can feel, deep down, I'm soft underneath it all. That gives me so much hope and happiness.

Happiness...what a beautiful word. I'm happy, and it comes from me, no one else. I feel an inner sense of peace right now. There is a light within me that radiates joy through my soul. I've never felt this before...I wish I could share the feeling.

The Lord is good...so good. Not only has he stood by m y side through my darkest nights, but he has lifted me into the sunrise again. I'm overwhelmed by the blessings he's pouring down upon me. I couldn't ask for anything more.

When I wake up...part of me wants to just throw my window open and inhale the morning air. Inhale my new life. Is it possible to truly find the healing balm of Gilead in a place such as this? I don't hurt anymore Mi...that pain is only a shadowy memory of my past. It no longer saturates my every thought...no longer poison's my weary soul. It makes me want to weep in relief and joy.

I am free. Finally I am free.

...

I had this thought come to me the other day...it's a bit poetic and dramatic, but it describes one of my deepest feelings and understandings.
'In the darkness of night,
truth becomes clear...
And in the silence you hear
What lies underneath.'
I believe to truly understand ourselves, we must loose ourselves. Let go of what we can see, and take that leap into the unknown. Turn off our own ideas and allow the truth buried within us to come forth...and often it is in our darkest moments, when we feel the most alone, that we discover who we really are.

I am on that journey."

I think that says it all.

I Listened....

My....where do I start?? So much has happened in the past month, and I can't help but say that I am blown away and amazed.

Three weeks ago I moved to Provo, Utah. Now if you know me at all you'll know that I was adamantly against coming out west again. In my opinion it didn't do me good to come last year, so why would it this time? Thus I debated and struggled within myself, trying to decide what the next step of my life should be. Where should I go to school? Should I take time off and just work? Should I move out of my parents house again?

I pondered over these questions again and again...it wasn't until I talked with my parents one evening, about six weeks ago, that things became clear. They voiced there opinions and feelings regarding me that they had in the past while, and as they spoke the spirit wispered plainly what I should do.

It was time for me to swallow my pride and move to Provo.

So three weeks later, here I was. Moved in and in the midst of an adventure of whose outcome I had to idea. But it became clear to me, very quickly, that I had made the right decision. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. I felt the comfort and blessing of knowing that I was in the right place at the right time. I don't have the ability to describe the overwhelming emotion this knowledge envokes within me.

I am happy. Truly and completely happy. Most days are wonderful, even if I don't ever do anything really significant besides job hunting. I wake up in the morning and I can't help but feeling blessed.

Already I've made some great friends, and I've done exciting things. I've been out on great dates, gone to fun get-together's, and had adventures I never dreamed of. And it's only been a few weeks!!

It would be a sin to not publicly express my thanks to my Lord for pushing me to take this leap of faith. Things in my life finally seem to me to be full of promise and happiness, and it's all because of one thing.

I listened.

Faith and Trust.....

I haven't been able to write because I haven't wanted to think too much about how I'm feeling right now...it's been easier to push my thoughts aside and ignore them. But maybe it's time I start expressing how I'm feeling, maybe it will help me sort out my emotions that way.

My curveball went as quickly and as silently as it came, but that didn't stop it from leaving a burning wake in it's path. I doubt I've experienced such extreme emotions in so few weeks. One month felt like six, and it left me dazed, confused, and broken at the end. I experienced a new emotion, one that the years of past ache never touched upon. Numbness. Never has a wall so quickly shot up, never have I felt so detached from my feelings. I couldn't feel anything, except numbing nothingness. And then, Anger.

It sent in like a dense fog. I remembered what was beyond it, I knew what was behind it, and I understood what I had to do to get rid of it. But I didn't care. Anger sometimes works that way. I couldn't understand why this happened to me. Why again was I given something so amazing, only to have it forcibly taken away and ruined? Why when I had tried to be so careful in avoiding pain like this ever again, was I burning with the scar of yet another disappointment?

Hadn't I been doing what I was suppose to? Hadn't I been living my life in a way to expect answers to prayers and the desires of my heart? Hadn't I been humble and shown I was trusting in God's will? Hadn't I been trying to stay in tune with the Spirit so I might know the paths to take? I'm not perfect...but I was actively trying, so why?? Why did this have to happen to me??

I stopped praying. I was mad at God. I stopped writing. I was mad at myself. I stopped talking, stopped singing, stopped smiling. I acted normal to those who didn't really know me, but to those who did, I was distant, quiet, and shallow. I lost all will to make an effort in finding the positive. I simply pushed away all thoughts of wishful thinking and hope. I knew there was none to be had. I gave up on those dreams, on my desire to find the happiness so many have found. I accepted that it would forever be elusive to me. I only had the chance to feel shadows of the real, tastes of the actual substance. Never would I feel the complete wholeness that comes when you find that missing part of yourself.

I was broken.
And I didn't deserve it.



Time has passed....the days have continually moved along and I have waded on the surf. At times I am merely treading water. Others, I don't seem to be affected at all. It seems that this time the blanket of numbness is ever present. There are moments when, through a gap in the barrier, emotion comes flooding in and takes me off guard; then I understand how deeply the hurt goes. Most of the time; however, I feel nothing, and I try to hope for nothing. For hope and feeling leads to unwanted emotions, and unneeded risks. It's easier to believe in the negative but practical reality.

Yet....there is still a flame...or more, a single spark, that flickers faintly underneath all the barriers and walls. I sometimes find myself gazing upon it...lost in a daze as I view what it represents. In that single speck of light, I find all the buried hope, all the optimistic dreams that I try to think no longer of. When I see it's glimmer, I acutely feel the ache and longing that comes with a weak belief that my luck will someday change.

But to think too deeply upon this is to walk again into the realms I so painfully fell from. It means putting away the protection of the known, and wading once more into the realms of the unknown. To venture forth and feed this spark, entails opening myself up to actions I now shun. It means having faith. It means having trust.

Faith and trust....what frightening words. Some say they are the key to power and happiness...for myself, I'm not too sure. How can I have faith when before it has brought me disappointment? How can I trust when all it reaps is pain and sorrow? How do I allow myself to believe in something I have no proof will ever exist?

God has required so much of me. He has tested me, and pushed me beyond the point of breaking. I no longer complain. I no longer dwell on the injustice of life. It is not my place to desire more than He gives. I am trying to be content with my lot. So, why should I even desire and believe that I will ever has something more? Do I believe that God could do it? Of course. Do I believe that he WILL do it? I don't know...

That's where the faith comes in. That's where the trust takes place. I am trying to teach myself how to feel these again. I am trying to learn to be like a child....full of faith and absolute trust, having such an untarnished an optimistic view of life.

It is proving to be the longest road of my mortal experience.

Curve-balls and Whirlwinds

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change. Sometimes time chooses to take the slow road and it would seem that nothing new lurks in our horizon. Other times it decides to surprise us, and in an instant everything in our life has flipped. Often one surprise variable can be the changing factor in our personal journey.

Such a curve-ball has come my way. I didn't see it, didn't guess it, couldn't believe it when it hit me and knocked me of my game. But, oh what a curve-ball it was. It's changing my life, and I couldn't be more grateful.

The whirlwind that I find myself in now...the absolute storm that has swept me off my feet, is threatening to take my breath away. And I couldn't be happier with where it's spinning me. I'm scared and unsure of many things...but I can't ignore what I'm feeling and what's starting to form. I don't know the future...but if the present is any indication, then I can't wait to find out.

That's the scariest thing about curve-balls and whirlwinds...you didn't plan for or really expect them, so you're not sure how to handle them sometimes. I'm trying not t fight it, trying to let myself go. It am so happy..so very happy. I don't know what the future holds, but I have very high hopes.

Only that faithful entity called time will tell where this new adventure will go. I can only hold my breath, keep my fingers crossed, and pray for the best outcome. Here's to the unknown!