Expressing

"I would build walls for miles around me

Around anything that hurt, any sensitive category

Kept love at an arms length, it was natural to me

You did not agree

You said things like "Unhealthy" 

And I took on the task

Of changing my pattern

All you did was ask

And all the walls all came crashing

At a welcoming speed

I was convinced you'd never hurt me

I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time....

Bouncing my heart around, like a cheap rubber toy....

And after countless hours, of crying

Trying to forgive you

Believe you,

Grow a spine and leave you,

Grieve you

I've come to this conclusion.

No one prepares when choosing to stay

How to dare share a bed again,

Keep demons at bay

You took something precious

Just meant for me

How could you not see...?

And I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time..."

-Maria Mena

I hesitate to write anything, I've been avoiding it for a very long time. Trying to protect the person that was most dear to my heart. But I guess that's all past now. If expressing my feelings is allowed, then I will express them. If it's not allowed...then I apologize. But I will express. 

How do I even begin to paint the picture of hell that I've known for two years? Well...even longer than that, I just didn't know what it was at the time? How do I explain the pain of something so fragile being torn apart? How do I explain the renewed heartache and constant re-breaking as my feelings got brushed aside? All I can do is say...imagine this:

After the discovery...after the pieces now all line up and you understand why you have been feeling neglected, and alone...your world falls apart. You cry, and you plead. You struggle to stay patient, forgiving. Yet there is now a void in your heart...a void that isn't getting filled...in fact it is growing. You hate yourself. Hate that you can't get back what you once had. Hate that you feel crazy...you can't trust, you don't believe. You see lies and deceit in everything. Jealousy. Resentment. You go mad as you battle the demons raging inside of your head. You feel inadequate. You blame yourself for what has happened. It must have been your fault to begin with. You fight feeling helpless. You fight feeling worthless. Your confidence has been beaten...and you now feel guilty that you can't overcome the hurt and betrayal. You wonder why you can't be better, stronger, kinder? You're expected to let this go. Become the bigger person. Forgive. Trust.

So you try. You fight your demons day and night. You realize the only way to survive is to put on a mask and to bury everything...deep down and far away. The pain becomes an echo and you can go on for a while like everything is back to normal. You laugh, yet you don't feel happy. You smile yet you don't feel joy. You cry yet you don't feel sadness. You don't feel....everything has become a shadow...a faded version of what it should be. Slowly your wall and mask begin to crack. You start loosing control little by little...until one day one cataclysmic moment bursts the guard and everything comes flooding back. Sadness and acute pain...it wracks at you and cuts you. You thought you had experienced heart-wrenching sadness before, but you had no idea. You realize you have been dying slowly each day.

Yet still....you stay. You keep waging the war. More pleading. More tears. More burying. Fear engulfs you. You feel trapped. You cry out to God begging for an answer. For relief. For guidance. He gives it. In another painful, shattering blow. You fall again. You can't breath. You can't think.

Again you're expected to forgive. To trust. To overcome. So you try. You do everything you know how. You seek guidance, strength, perspective. You fall to your knees over and over. You watch. You plead until your voice grows silent. Nothing is happening. Apathy becomes the new dagger of hurt. There is no true sorrow. No true remorse. No true sign of understanding. So you lock up your emotions again...you keep waiting...hoping...praying. 

Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are dead. You see ghosts within...the lines on your face have deepened. The ache in your body comes from a place more destructive than physical. You see no happiness...your countenance is dull. You are fading. You are loosing yourself to the sorrow, and the pain. You realize your heart is gone. Sheltered behind walls of iron and stone. 

Finally...the pain has grown enough...enough to realize anything would be better than this. Rejection. Humiliation. Judgement. Loneliness. Condemnation. 

All would be worth it...if it meant your heart could heal. If it could find peace within the darkness. Even if it meant you stood alone...forever. You would at least have yourself.

Finally you have enough courage. Finally you have been humbled enough. Finally you begin to walk blindly and take a leap of faith. 

The plunge is heartbreaking...but nothing compared to the past 2 years. As the decision is made and followed, peace begins to encompass you. You feel relief. You feel light. There begins to grow a shred of hope...you feel you must protect it. You are not the same...but you know you will survive.

Imagine all of this...and then understand...it is only a scratch on the real thing.

I have come to realize that others cannot hope to understand my pain and heartache. Some will try and be empathetic, other's will simply not see it at all...or they will diminish it. But that is alright. At the end of the day I want to be able to look into the mirror and see myself again. I want the hollowness to be filled again. I want to feel safe to love and trust again. I can't change what happened nor can I control the emotional and mental effects it had on me. All I can do is the best with my present choices now. I am ready to rise.

Inner Nature, Inner Voice

There is a voice inside of me, quiet, almost still. It is a strange voice, yet somehow, I know it well. It has been ignored, neglected, and even at times silenced. But I feel it awakening once again. Ever so slowly it is beginning to become louder and louder. I’m terrified to listen, but I know that to ignore it any longer will be even more frightening.

Time has taught me to silence that voice. Expectations of others have formed their own voices inside of me that yell and seek to have me follow their ways. Self-doubt has sewn seeds of mistrust. Fear or rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of loneliness has driven me so forcibly down a path without truly stopping to listen to that voice, my own soul, and my inner compass that knows me better than anyone in this world, even myself. What will happen if I begin to heed its direction? I have no idea. I am terrified of relinquishing preconceived notions of my life. I am terrified of exploring my deepest self…what will I discover? What demons will I unearth? What light will begin to shine forth?

Inner Nature….the true source of self. The admittance of “Things Are as They Are”. Ignorance and neglect of this nature leads everyone to sorrow, confusion and pain. When we listen, when we accept, when we embrace everything “as it is”, we begin to see real change. We begin to appreciate the individual beauty and suppleness of every soul and every form of life in this world. If we begin to explore and discover our own inner nature, we become changed forever. We find humility in admitting our limitations, and power in understanding what we can and cannot do about those limitations. We find courage and self-acceptance as we discover the power we hold within us, the force for good and light.

It is unfortunate that we become so consumed with a “higher goal” or “grand reward” that we forget that we are here on a journey. A journey to find joy, love and beauty. A journey in which we have the capacity to do good and change the world, even in a small way. Life should not be lived in fear, in a constant rush to aim higher, be better, or conform to our society’s definition of who we ought to be. Life was meant to be cherished, to be the greatest experience of our eternal souls. When we sit back, become quiet and still, and listen to that inner voice that is connected with the source of all truth, we can find direction, purpose and peace in this life.

Too often we cause ourselves pain. Fear and pride lead us to these places and frequently keep us there. What might happen if we let go of fear? If we let go of our definition of “the way things SHOULD be”. Things are as they are….we cannot change what is. We can only change our reaction, our appreciation and acceptance of those facts. If we allow ourselves to gently ride the current of life, travel with it through the ups, downs, twists, and turns, we will find that we will reach our destination with fewer bruises. When we fight against the current, when we deny who we are and what we are capable of, we do ourselves a disservice. We spend our lives aspiring to be someone else and miss the beautiful truth that WE are glorious even in our imperfections.

We are not defined by the darkness or the light that resides in us. We are defined of our use of that darkness and light. Our weakness can become sources of strength if we stop trying to make them disappear. If we can, instead, learn to work with them and redirect their energy, we will find that they can be forces of change in us. Just as powerful is the acceptance of our light. Of our own unique abilities and qualities. Our Inner Nature is begging that we stop trying to be who we are not and instead embrace who we are. We were never meant to be as another. We were meant to be our purest and most powerful self.

I am allowing my journey to lead me to my Inner Nature and allow that voice to guide the rest of my life. I am finished with walking the path “I think” I’m supposed to walk. I am determined to enter the path I was always meant to travel and embrace the wonders that path will discover. This is key to joy and the key to happiness. To walk my true path and embrace my true self.  

Breaking.

(Disclaimer: do not read this post if you're looking for something inspiring or uplifting. This was an outlet tonight...it isn't beautifully written or touching. It just is.)


 

I'm breaking. No point in denying it, I am breaking. I think weekly meltdowns and living in a constant state of anxiety are definitive signs that I'm not alright. Work. School. Gym. Homework. Home. Family. Church. I want to do it all, but I'm failing. Everywhere I turn I am failing. I want to throw my hands up and scream to the world "Screw it, I quit!!"...but those words are not in my vocabulary. Not at all.

I've brought this on myself, and I have no other person to blame. I thought I could do it all. I thought I was superwoman. No big deal. I can please everyone, including myself, and get everything done. It worked for a while...then my seemingly flawless world of marble started cracking. I started cracking. 

The turn of the year is where it started....my own life was stressful, disorganized, and I felt incomplete. My job was stressful, and I felt I carried a great portion of its' weight on my shoulders. My husband and I were fighting and struggling. He changed jobs. Then I found out my mother lost her job. Bam. A blow...a low piercing blow that affected the people I care most about. The worry and helplessness I felt is hardly describable.Then my life began to spiral...I became sick. I experienced the first of many anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was throwing up. So I went to my parents. I took a break. It was so needed. I  made some life changing decisions. I came home with hope. 

Then I lost hope. Another blow. Crushing. Devastating. Heart-wrenching. It tore me from all foundations. It was the most acute pain I have ever felt. Taking into account every miserable experience I've faced in the last 10 years. How I came out of it...I have no idea. I guess I'm still not entirely out of it. But I ran for change. I started school. I found satisfaction again. I dug to find my own strength and purpose.

But the weight is still there. I have always been responsible. It has always felt like my job was to be strong. No matter what, I had to keep the faith....even as a child. Keep on trekking. I could cry and I could struggle, but I couldn't quit. I couldn't dissapoint. I have to be reliable. I have to think of others first. I did everything I could to not be the reason for anyone to cry, to mourn, to worry. 

I failed.

I am still failing. Those expectations are still there for me. Be strong. Be courageous. Be faithful. Be positive. Be responsible. Be forgiving. Be selfless. Be righteous. Be good. Be wonderful. Even if everyone else around you fails you, and disappoints you...forgive them. Love them. Trust them. Move on. Be there for them. Be strong for them. If they judge you, just smile and move on. 

And those expectations now have been added on to. Serve faithfully. Love your husband. Be a good worker. Be a mother. Be self reliant. Be a good homemaker. Be a great wife. Be a great employee. Be a great student. Be a great teacher. Be a great friend. 

So when life comes at you. When others leave work I STILL have to be there. Because I care. Because I am responsible. Because I don't want to hurt anyone.

When my heart is broken, past what feels repairable...when everything I trusted and everything I cherished was ruined...I have to forgive. I have to move on, move past and be strong. I have to remind myself, it isn't about me.

When God seems to have abandoned me. I have to have faith. I have to be grateful. I have to look for His hand. I have to be humble and I have to trust.

When others look at me asking "When are you going to have a baby?", I have to smile and pretend the judgement doesn't cut me. Even though it isn't there business. I have to let it go.

When I'm told that I have all the time in the world for myself. When I'm told, in any way, that my lot isn't difficult. That I am selfish. That I am lucky for my pretty little life....I have to bite my tongue, bite back the tears and keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs,

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN AND HELL I'VE BEEN CLIMBING THOUGH!"

And then I cry. I cry alone and I cry because...for the first time in my life...I feel that no one can reach me. No one can feel this pain I'm feeling. I cry to my God and I only feel silence. I feel alone. And in that moment I feel and I see all of the cracks in my marble...and I realize I am breaking. 

Yet...this broken piece of stone still has to get up in the morning...put a smile on and face the world. I will post this, then feel guilty two seconds later because some people will read it and see the ugly truth about me. They will see that I am weak, and vulnerable and depressing. 

Yet tonight it wasn't about them or anyone else. It was about me. I need to release. I needed to write. I needed to extract some of the poison that is coursing through my heart. I have wept bitterly this night...but the only solace I have found is the simple act of writing it all out. And not just deleting it, because that feels like I'm burying it again. It is out there now. For me to look back upon. For me to admit. Maybe that's what I partially needed...confession. I needed to admit to no one in particular but to the universe at large, that I am breaking. I do not feel strong enough.

This wasn't a pretty blog post....

Tomorrow I'll repent. I'll write something uplifting and inspiring. I'll talk about all the good and progress in my life. 

But tonight I couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight I could only cry.

Don't

Don't judge me when you see me, don't assume when you haven't asked. 
Don't pretend you know my journey, when you're ignorant of my past.
Don't try to be a guru, and tell me what to do.
Don't believe you understand me, until you've walked in my shoes.

Don't tell me I'm an angel, before you know what's in my head.
Don't dare call me a devil, until you've seen the tears I've shed.
Don't compare your life's story, to mine in any way.
Don't believe you have me figured, until you've heard what I have to say.

Don't laugh at my struggles, and don't envy what I've gained.
Don't mock my living heart ache, until you've witnessed my pain.
Don't believe every smile, that crosses my blank face.
Don't think that I don't pretend, and rely on hidden grace.

Don't befriend me on the surface, then send stabs behind my back.
Don't think you can teach me, to make up for what I lack.
Don't tell me pretty words, that you think I want to hear.
Don't put a mask to hide yourself, and think we can be near.

Don't think you know me better, than myself and God above.
Don't try to offer anything, except your unfeigned love.
Don't try to be a hero, and don't try to be a saint.
Don't live a life in such a way to be something that you ain't.

There's too much to each of us to try and place a name.
All we can is love and laugh, and play life like a game.
So Don't take life too seriously, and worry through and through.
Let go, don't hold on, and allow love to change you.

In the Dead of Night

In the dead of night I find myself, arrested with such suffocating fright. I can't stop the thoughts in my mind racing and turning. I can't stop worrying about everything that is on my shoulders.  I feel like I'm letting so many people down, and I wish I could be superwoman and save everyone and everything. I don't know how to turn my mind off. I don't know how to stop the dread that is in my heart. I don't know how to finally feel the peace that I'm so desperately seeking for.

I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to find the secret that will relinquish the torment of my days...in the dead of night I find myself wishing for a solution that seems so far away.

A Tribute to a Setting Sun

The sun sets on another beautiful day. The hours of a moment pass in quiet solemnity as thoughts echo with each fading ray. Such a glorious setting, inspiring the joy of stars and the sorrow of a long night; it is the setting that must happen, for each of us. It is the setting of our day, the closing of a story, of a life, beautiful and memorable and individual. 

A sun set early on the eve of the most joyful and celebrated birth in history. It’s majestic and quite descent filled watching eyes and hearts with sorrow, emptiness, and peace. The bittersweet taste of a farewell and of a long awaited reunion lingers in each of those who knew. The chilling dusk that settles around gives rise to echoes of doubts and fears. 

Could more have been done? Could this life have been more beautiful? Should more effort have been made to place memories upon this wonderful soul? These thoughts plague the grieving hearts. Regret of lost hours, lost moments, of lost chances that will never return until our own setting. Each mind reflects and can’t help but wish for a longer day. It is the curse of those who days have not ended. To wonder as they watch a piece of them fade into night. 

But, as the darkness begins to press onward, and threaten to forever linger before our eyes, glimmers of light appear in the black above. Stars. Containing rays, of truth, of beauty, they glimmer in peaceful memory, as if to call our minds on the light that left them. A moon arises, casting its comforting glow. These heavenly specters appear as if to answer our call and need. Hearts are comforted as they see the distant hope. 

Each life ends with the passing of a sun. Each day, no matter how wonderful, or how good, will close in the same way. With a quite setting, and a rising night, we are reminded, that here and now time must pass. Was it all for nothing? Will the setting and night be forever the end; the end of our friends, the end of our loves, the end of us? 

Within the night we find our answer. The very stars seem to sing, the moon ring, with the promise that the night to all our days will some day break into twilight. Light will appear and then the rising of a new sun will herald a glorious reunion. 

The Son. The joyous promise His rising will bring. To each of us a new dawn will shine. After the period of dark distance, we will be all reunited in glorious sun rise. Every memory, every loving heart will return to their affections and all will be re-born in a mighty and never-ending day. For now, we wait for that breaking. 

For now we watch as stars appear and as our own days continue softly on. We will never forget the warmth of the setting sun. It will carry us through dark hours and help us until all is new.

Christmas is here

As the air grows still and silent with a bitter cold chill, my heart tightens, it swells, and it grows heavy with thoughts and memories long since passed. Why, during the most wonderful time of the year, do I feel a weight constrict my chest and threaten to darken my eyes? What is it about this time that so easily brings out wonder and joy as well as sorrow and tears? I find myself pondering this thought while I sit here, nose against the grindstone and gazing wistfully out my window at the icy world beyond. 

I know of no other time when you can feel the spirit so strong all around you. It is infectious and everyone who celebrates this time of year can sense that this time, of all times, is different. More acts of kindness are shown, more thoughts of charity, forgiveness and love. The world becomes, even just for a few weeks, a better place. They call it the spirit of the season. Amongst the hustle of shoppers, parties, and heavy traffic, people’s hearts are softened as their thoughts turn to the child whose birth we celebrate.

 For this reason we feel a sense of joy and exultation. Hope fills us and we look forward to the future with greater faith and trust.

But, during this time, there are many whose hearts are not lightened, and whose eyes do not sparkle with the magic everywhere. They are laden down with sorrows and pains of the world. They feel the ache of memories of times past. They are lonely. They are sick. They are captured by a darkness that seeks to destroy them. Perhaps this is why I feel both sorrow and joy? Perhaps this is why my heart is heavy with emotion. 

I cannot help but think of at least 20 families who will not feel the joy of this season easily. Whose hearts are broken and are yearning for peace at this time. Forever the memory of that day will haunt them each season, and oh how my soul aches for them. 

I think of the men and women across the seas who are not surrounded by family, but instead by horrors only the depraved can imagine. They pay the ultimate sacrifice as they stand strong and defend their loved ones. My heart sings to them across the miles, begging that grace and light can shine upon them and bring them a moment of joy. 

So many souls are lost. So many hearts are weighed down. Perchance I am more in-tune with these souls at this time, because I am more in-tune with the God of us all? Maybe I am feeling His own sorrow as He watches the tragedies of this world brought about by evil men? Men which our Father gives the right of agency; the right to choose their own path, whether good or evil. How His heart must sorrow at the wrong decisions the world is making. 

So much darkness. The night presses ever forward while it seems there are less rays of light. Fewer people who will stand amidst the cloud and bring joy to the world. As we approach, I fear, a new era, what will become of this world? Will there arise enough good hearts to stem the tide of hate and greed? 

As the air grows still, and my heart grows heavy, my soul cries out to my God on high. I cry for comfort, I cry for hope. I cry for a change that seems forever elusive… 

How interesting, that in my reverie my mind is turned to that night…long ago, during a similar time of darkness. A time of straying souls and cold steel hearts, a time of a world crying out…for a savior.

And what wonder it is…that our Father above heard their cries, and sent His only Begotten Son to the Earth. Lower than all, so He may understand all. Perfect and holy, the light to the world. Born was He. The King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Our wonderful, counselor, Savior and Redeemer. The Prince of Peace. 

He came to this world and descended below all, that whosoever would come unto Him and follow Him, would be partakers of His saving grace. He truly was the answer to His people’s prayers, as He is the answer to my prayers today. He is the answer to every heart and plea. Whether the world knows it or not, the Light that came still shines upon us all, and will come again. Forever our hope and forever our peace. 

I pray, with all the energy of my being that during this time peace will fall upon all yearning hearts. I pray we may all be stirred to remember the reason for this season. The source of the “magic in the air” is not in the lights, the presents or the jingling of bells. It comes from deep within us, a quiet reminder within our hearts that our spirits’ know who is watching over us all. 

Merry Christmas.