I am here

Hi. Are you there? I am here.

It's dark...and quiet. I don't see a light around. But I see me and that other me too. She's watching me. Wondering when I'm going to come out. Wondering when I'm going to shut up and get over it. Frustrated. Angry. Embarrassed of me. Because I'm her weakness. I'm the side she doesn't want others to see.

But I am here. I'm always here. And I think...maybe you are here too. We want to leave...but we don't know how. We just curl up. We cry. A lot. We don't want to talk to anyone...and we don't talk to each other. Even though that might help, maybe.

We sit in the dark. Alone.

Maybe your darkness is like mine? Maybe you also feel empty and hollow? Maybe you feel worthless, ugly, defeated? A failure? Broken?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel scared? Maybe you can hardly leave your house because you think you'll never see it or the people again? Maybe you feel like if you don't keep it together it will all be ruined?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you worry. Maybe you constantly feel like everyone just pretends to like you or care about you? Do you feel different? Do you feel unwanted? Do you feel stupid?

Yea...me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel out of control? Like you can't stop yourself obsessing and looking and asking and checking? You don't get to rest and your mind won't shut up and it just goes around and around and around and You can't breathe. You can't speak. You just need it to feel right and then you can calm down?

Yea...yea me too. I am here.

Maybe you feel abandoned? Maybe you feel judged? Maybe you feel like people only ask or pretend to care out of duty but in reality...they don't see you? They don't hear you. They don't have your back. You're alone.

Me too. I am here.

And maybe...maybe you feel like you're broken. Maybe you feel like it's all your fault. Maybe everything is crumbling around you and the world is shifting beneath your feet and you don't know what's going to happen. The harder you try the harder you seem to fail and the more You give the more you lose. You can't see the future anymore and the past seems a dream and you just. Don't. Know.

Yea. Me too. I am here.

That's why I'm talking today. That's why she's letting me out. Cause we both think that maybe you need to know. Maybe you need to be reminded that in the dark quiet space...I'm here too. I know. What led us here isn't exactly the same...but think of me more as your next door neighbor. I get it. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not also crying...but I have to keep going. I have to keep walking. There isn't any other choice.

I know it's lonely. I know it's suffocating. I know it's overwhelming. And for me and many of you....It's probably never going away. But I wanted to remind you....I get it. I know. And if you need me, I've got you.

I am here.

2 Years

It's been two years. Two years since I've blogged anything. I realize that says a lot. I apparently blog when there is too much on my mind that I can no longer handle it. I blog when I'm sad, or hurt, or angry. Rarely do I blog when I'm happy. 

I feel that's sad for those who read this...but for me it's cathartic. And what's incredible is that for 2 years I have not felt at a point where I need the outlet. I've had so many sources of happiness, and so many ways to artistically express myself, that I've not felt the need to write.

Until now. And really now is only because it's been building up...slowly. Not solely one event, but many events. Many thoughts. Many feelings. All wrapped up. Building. Stirring around in my mind and my soul until they are bursting and I don't know how to feel calm again. 

3 months ago I performed on stage to a song called. "Get It Right". Here are some lyrics from that song.

What Have I Done?

I Wish I Could Run

Away From This Ship Going Under

What Can You Do, When Your Good Isn't Good Enough?

And All That You Touch Tumbles Down.

My Best Intentions Keep Making A Mess Of Things

I Just Want to Fix It Somehow

But How Many Times Will It Take...

To Get It Right?

I don't think anyone understands how those words spell the anthem to my heart. To my soul. 

I have realized that for a very good portion of my life...really...all of my life....I have never felt good enough. I have felt that despite my desires, my efforts, my wishes, I have screwed up everything and everyone around me.

I can count on one hand the people who have stayed around and never left.

I can't even fill up one hand with people that I haven't hurt or offended. In fact...there is probably no one who can say that I've never hurt them.

Yet...never once in my life...have I ever wanted to hurt anyone.

All I've wanted is for people to be happy and, if possible, be a reason they smile sometimes.

But really, if I'm honest with myself....I don't feel like anyone really needs me to be happy. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone that people want around. Deep down...I don't understand why anyone would want me in their life.

It's exhausting. I realize that, like an actress, I put on a mask every day. I have to be the person everyone expects of me. I can't be myself or truly express myself because if I did, everyone would hate what they would see. I act like I have my shit together, but in reality I'm just trying not to drown. I'm trying, every day, to find my purpose. To feel worthwhile. To feel like someone that the world sees value in.

To feel needed.

To feel special.

To feel heard.

Perhaps we all feel that way...at least some of the time. Maybe we are all just lonely people trying to figure out how to stop feeling lonely. 

Or perhaps...that's just me. And perhaps that will always be me. Perhaps no matter what, I will have to learn to embrace the solitude. Perhaps I am incapable of truly connecting with the world. Perhaps that is why it always seems to fall apart.

I feel ungrateful. I feel broken. I have an adoring husband, and 3 wonderful creatures that just shower me with affection. That should be enough. This home....this place...I should feel grateful that at least here I can feel needed. Here I can feel loved and wanted. As I'm writing this....my sweet Yuna is placing her paw and my face and trying to give me kisses. Somehow she knows I'm empty right now.

That's probably why I like animals so much more than humans.

You can be at your worst...and they still see you as enough.

But still...I wonder. Will I ever feel at peace outside of these moments? Will I ever stop trying to figure out how to fit in, be seen and be heard in a world that has always felt just out of my reach?

I doubt I'll ever be allowed....to really be myself. I'll never be allowed to let everyone see who I am, what I think and what I feel.

It's all just an act. This world is simply a stage. I am merely an actress doing my best to put on a great show. 

Sometimes I really suck at acting.

Divorce, Desertion, Despair and Deliverance

It is an interesting thing...time teaches so many lessons, many which we would rather not learn at all. It is a painful experience to learn that often the things which we thought were forever, end up becoming the most painful and bitter lessons of your life. It is sad to learn that those who you give your heart to, have the power to destroy it more fully than any enemy ever could.

This year I went through a Divorce. As far as Divorces go, it was an easy an uncomplicated one. But the legal logistics do not even give glimpse of the emotional pain the process of loosing what you hoped and dreamed of feels like. 

I loved my ex husband. He was someone I trusted, and gave my fragile and dented heart to. I went into marriage with determination and hope that we would be a solid couple. After a series of events, that I won't go into, I found my marriage broken and suffocating. I felt so lost.

I prayed alone, and I went to the temple alone. I fasted. After a long period of fasting and praying in the temple, I received my answer...the same one I had been receiving for 6 months. And sad and bitter were my tears that night as I asked "Why?" Why did this have to be the answer? Why did I have to go through this? Why couldn't I fix this? Surely there was more that I could do? Surely I could find a way to be more forgiving? Surely I could be more patient? Surely, eventually, the emptiness would go away? Why, why?

And in my sorrow, I received a quiet and firm answer,

"I love you both enough to heal you both, it is time to let go. It is not your job to heal him, it is mine. Let go."

I cried more fervently. My heart ached knowing what I was going to do and the pain that it would cause both him and I. I realized in that moment I had to follow the answer I was given, even if it mean I would loose everything and everyone I knew.

So I followed. I obeyed. And the following journey was the most hellish of my life.

It is an interesting thing to know you are doing the right thing, but to feel like an utter failure. To feel that your friends and family are all seeing you differently. To feel that many of them are judging you. To worry that everyone will see you as the villain.  I learned during that time who my real friends were. I found that people I never thought would be there in a pinch, become my rocks. They opened their homes to me, they offer to help feed me, they gave me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. They encourage me to keep going to to church, to read my scriptures and to pray...

At the same time I felt the Desertion and loneliness. Friends I had known for years disappeared, judge me, focused on my faults and offered no mercy, nor understanding, and certainly no forgiveness. They would say the most hurtful things, doing what only those you love can do...they caused more pain than it felt I could bare. 

My pain and anger began to make me cold and hard. I became calloused to things of the Spirit. I felt like I must walk this path alone and that there was no one to help or understand. I questioned every decision I had ever made. I hated myself. I hated my reflection. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.  Certainly death would be better than the pain.

In this Despair I felt surely I had found my destruction. I didn't know how to get out of it. I kept going to church and found no comfort, I read my scriptures and they felt like empty words, and I prayed to a silent echoing room. I plead for someone or something to understand. Even though I knew there were people there for me, I felt utterly alone.

Then in this valley of darkness, I felt a hand grasp mine. A friend, who had stood by through the months of my worst self, was seeking to understand. Seeking to know what had kept me from truly giving up. I quietly shared a deep, almost buried testimony. I spake of Christ, the atonement, and the comforter. As I spoke, I found my words coming more easily. I felt a ray of light and warmth, but I still hid, my Despair had made me afraid to hope.

It isn't until one morning, as I sat with this friend, and was surrounded by family at the prophet's feet, that my Despair began to shatter. I heard the words of Christ and like a fountain of living water I felt them rushing over my heart. I realized that even though I forgot how to love myself, my Heavenly Father and Savior never did. I felt their love. And like a flash of lighting on a summer night, my sky was illuminated, and I realized, I was never alone.

The atonement saves the sinner, the broken heart, the suffering soul. Deliverance comes in the hands of whom delivered us all. He who descended below them all knows how to bring us above them all.
Life didn't get instantly better...but I began to focus on the Savior. I focused on the searching soul of my friend and I was amazed and humbled as I watched the Spirit soften his heart. I heard his prayers slowly change from ones of anger and pain, to ones full of humility and true searching. I found my own prayers were changing. As I saw the Atonement heal his life, I felt it piecing back mine.

I watched this incredible man enter the waters of baptism. I had no idea my journey would lead me to that moment. I had no idea that a friendship that started with a common interest in fitness and anime, would save my testimony through his own conversion. Tears flooded my eyes that day as I saw him brought up from the water, his grin spread wide from ear to ear. I felt the power of his confirmation. I shook hands with the missionaries that taught him, the stake presidency that had grown to love him. I heard their praise of this man, and their commendation to me for introducing him to the gospel. But I realized it was never me.

After a while I realized I had been giving my heart to this man. It scared me. Feeling a flirtation and interest was one thing, but being in a relationship entirely another.  It scared me to let go. It scared me that it was so soon. I wondered what people would think. I worried about the judgement...I also asked myself if I was just rebounding. I went to my knees. And answers came with hardly any asking. I knew what was right. It became a matter of once again being brave enough to do. I sought to focus on my new found peace and happiness. I began to press forward with faith, even though events were not following my timeline. I felt as Nephi, going forward not knowing beforehand what I would do. 

Then amidst this new found happiness, I was brought down again. By a new hurt. A new betrayal. More poisonous and hurtful words. I tried pleading with those I thought once cared. I plead for them to understand, and received no such care or no compassion. I realized I had foolishly been vulnerable to the wrong source. I learned a new truth, that my feelings only matter to others as long as it serves them. In days I allowed myself to be brought down low. I felt the pain of my Gethsemane over again and I wept bitterly. I wished someone could understand.

In the arms of my safety, and by the words of my stalwart friends and family, I came to realize once again the lesson I had temporarily forgotten. I forgot that there is One who understands the pain. All of it. From the very beginning and in every way. Every blessing I've received in the past months, every answered prayer, every inspired word came flooding to my mind as I prayed and cried in the privacy of my closet. I remembered. The Savior knew loneliness. None were with Him in the end. He too was wrongfully accused and wrongfully judged. He felt the betrayal and denial of those whom He loved and called friend. He was sent to the crucifixion by jeers and calls for His blood by those He loved and came to save. In Gethsemane he felt my pain individually. I remembered the words told to me in a recent blessing "Your Father in Heaven and Savior love you, as no other daughter, for there is no other daughter like you. They do not want a moment or a day to go by that you don't remember they love you." As I focused on these words, I once again felt that deliverance.

Those who have hurt me will obviously never know my pain. The wrongs they feel I have committed made them feel justified to say and do the things they have. I have cried and sorrowed over the pain I must have caused them...but I realize I cannot hope to believe that they will ever feel or understand mine. But it is alright in the end...for the One who does, has once again become my best friend. And Him I love with my whole soul.

I am divorced but not defeated.
I have felt desertion and despair, and from both I was delivered.

My life has been full of miracles and blessings. I have had an outpouring of love from true friends and family. I have felt the song of gratitude and praise for my God who hath delivered me. I have come to learn, that as dark and painful the night, morning will come. The future is as bright as my Faith and the Lord created me to have joy. I don't know why I ever had to go through the experiences I did. Today, for the first time through this whole experience, I wish I had never married. I wish I had never even met him. But that is not the case. I cannot change the past. I can only learn from the pains, from my own mistakes, and from the lessons of time. I know that I have received forgiveness. A servant of the Lord, with full authority and power, declared to me that I am as clean as I was the morning I knelt in the Lord's holy temple. He reprimanded me to let the past go. To know that I no longer need to carry the hard shield that has protected me. He spoke with power telling me I can move forward, and be happy once again. It may have happened, yes, but the Atonement has made it as if it never did. "Move forward" he said "never feel you need to justify it again. It is finished. It is time to be happy."

These last couple days I forgot that counsel. The adversary apparently does not want me to be happy or feel good about myself. He had someone I thought was a friend, write me a horrible letter that told me how horrible and selfish I was, and I read it as I was driving down to Provo to help a person in need. Then this morning I found out more hurtful news. It as if he, in these days that should be happy, is trying in every way to bring up my past and make me question the peace and forgiveness and happiness I have found.

I refuse. I no longer will let him, or any other force take another day of my happiness. That is not the lesson I learned. I learned how to stand up and stand strong. I learned that I can do hard things. I learned how to not just talk of the Atonement, but to apply it in my own life. I learned how to have faith again. I learned how to trust myself again. I learned how to love again. I learned how to let go and Let God. 

So tonight I will wrap up in the arms of a man who has stood by and loved me when I wasn't lovable. I will hug and kiss my sweet baby girl who has cuddled on my lap for the last several hours and licked away every tear. I will laugh again. I will look forward. I will not only avoid looking in the rear view mirror, I will take it down. I will keep driving forward. With hope in my heart, charity in my soul, and a spring in my step.

Expressing

"I would build walls for miles around me

Around anything that hurt, any sensitive category

Kept love at an arms length, it was natural to me

You did not agree

You said things like "Unhealthy" 

And I took on the task

Of changing my pattern

All you did was ask

And all the walls all came crashing

At a welcoming speed

I was convinced you'd never hurt me

I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time....

Bouncing my heart around, like a cheap rubber toy....

And after countless hours, of crying

Trying to forgive you

Believe you,

Grow a spine and leave you,

Grieve you

I've come to this conclusion.

No one prepares when choosing to stay

How to dare share a bed again,

Keep demons at bay

You took something precious

Just meant for me

How could you not see...?

And I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time..."

-Maria Mena

I hesitate to write anything, I've been avoiding it for a very long time. Trying to protect the person that was most dear to my heart. But I guess that's all past now. If expressing my feelings is allowed, then I will express them. If it's not allowed...then I apologize. But I will express. 

How do I even begin to paint the picture of hell that I've known for two years? Well...even longer than that, I just didn't know what it was at the time? How do I explain the pain of something so fragile being torn apart? How do I explain the renewed heartache and constant re-breaking as my feelings got brushed aside? All I can do is say...imagine this:

After the discovery...after the pieces now all line up and you understand why you have been feeling neglected, and alone...your world falls apart. You cry, and you plead. You struggle to stay patient, forgiving. Yet there is now a void in your heart...a void that isn't getting filled...in fact it is growing. You hate yourself. Hate that you can't get back what you once had. Hate that you feel crazy...you can't trust, you don't believe. You see lies and deceit in everything. Jealousy. Resentment. You go mad as you battle the demons raging inside of your head. You feel inadequate. You blame yourself for what has happened. It must have been your fault to begin with. You fight feeling helpless. You fight feeling worthless. Your confidence has been beaten...and you now feel guilty that you can't overcome the hurt and betrayal. You wonder why you can't be better, stronger, kinder? You're expected to let this go. Become the bigger person. Forgive. Trust.

So you try. You fight your demons day and night. You realize the only way to survive is to put on a mask and to bury everything...deep down and far away. The pain becomes an echo and you can go on for a while like everything is back to normal. You laugh, yet you don't feel happy. You smile yet you don't feel joy. You cry yet you don't feel sadness. You don't feel....everything has become a shadow...a faded version of what it should be. Slowly your wall and mask begin to crack. You start loosing control little by little...until one day one cataclysmic moment bursts the guard and everything comes flooding back. Sadness and acute pain...it wracks at you and cuts you. You thought you had experienced heart-wrenching sadness before, but you had no idea. You realize you have been dying slowly each day.

Yet still....you stay. You keep waging the war. More pleading. More tears. More burying. Fear engulfs you. You feel trapped. You cry out to God begging for an answer. For relief. For guidance. He gives it. In another painful, shattering blow. You fall again. You can't breath. You can't think.

Again you're expected to forgive. To trust. To overcome. So you try. You do everything you know how. You seek guidance, strength, perspective. You fall to your knees over and over. You watch. You plead until your voice grows silent. Nothing is happening. Apathy becomes the new dagger of hurt. There is no true sorrow. No true remorse. No true sign of understanding. So you lock up your emotions again...you keep waiting...hoping...praying. 

Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are dead. You see ghosts within...the lines on your face have deepened. The ache in your body comes from a place more destructive than physical. You see no happiness...your countenance is dull. You are fading. You are loosing yourself to the sorrow, and the pain. You realize your heart is gone. Sheltered behind walls of iron and stone. 

Finally...the pain has grown enough...enough to realize anything would be better than this. Rejection. Humiliation. Judgement. Loneliness. Condemnation. 

All would be worth it...if it meant your heart could heal. If it could find peace within the darkness. Even if it meant you stood alone...forever. You would at least have yourself.

Finally you have enough courage. Finally you have been humbled enough. Finally you begin to walk blindly and take a leap of faith. 

The plunge is heartbreaking...but nothing compared to the past 2 years. As the decision is made and followed, peace begins to encompass you. You feel relief. You feel light. There begins to grow a shred of hope...you feel you must protect it. You are not the same...but you know you will survive.

Imagine all of this...and then understand...it is only a scratch on the real thing.

I have come to realize that others cannot hope to understand my pain and heartache. Some will try and be empathetic, other's will simply not see it at all...or they will diminish it. But that is alright. At the end of the day I want to be able to look into the mirror and see myself again. I want the hollowness to be filled again. I want to feel safe to love and trust again. I can't change what happened nor can I control the emotional and mental effects it had on me. All I can do is the best with my present choices now. I am ready to rise.

Inner Nature, Inner Voice

There is a voice inside of me, quiet, almost still. It is a strange voice, yet somehow, I know it well. It has been ignored, neglected, and even at times silenced. But I feel it awakening once again. Ever so slowly it is beginning to become louder and louder. I’m terrified to listen, but I know that to ignore it any longer will be even more frightening.

Time has taught me to silence that voice. Expectations of others have formed their own voices inside of me that yell and seek to have me follow their ways. Self-doubt has sewn seeds of mistrust. Fear or rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of loneliness has driven me so forcibly down a path without truly stopping to listen to that voice, my own soul, and my inner compass that knows me better than anyone in this world, even myself. What will happen if I begin to heed its direction? I have no idea. I am terrified of relinquishing preconceived notions of my life. I am terrified of exploring my deepest self…what will I discover? What demons will I unearth? What light will begin to shine forth?

Inner Nature….the true source of self. The admittance of “Things Are as They Are”. Ignorance and neglect of this nature leads everyone to sorrow, confusion and pain. When we listen, when we accept, when we embrace everything “as it is”, we begin to see real change. We begin to appreciate the individual beauty and suppleness of every soul and every form of life in this world. If we begin to explore and discover our own inner nature, we become changed forever. We find humility in admitting our limitations, and power in understanding what we can and cannot do about those limitations. We find courage and self-acceptance as we discover the power we hold within us, the force for good and light.

It is unfortunate that we become so consumed with a “higher goal” or “grand reward” that we forget that we are here on a journey. A journey to find joy, love and beauty. A journey in which we have the capacity to do good and change the world, even in a small way. Life should not be lived in fear, in a constant rush to aim higher, be better, or conform to our society’s definition of who we ought to be. Life was meant to be cherished, to be the greatest experience of our eternal souls. When we sit back, become quiet and still, and listen to that inner voice that is connected with the source of all truth, we can find direction, purpose and peace in this life.

Too often we cause ourselves pain. Fear and pride lead us to these places and frequently keep us there. What might happen if we let go of fear? If we let go of our definition of “the way things SHOULD be”. Things are as they are….we cannot change what is. We can only change our reaction, our appreciation and acceptance of those facts. If we allow ourselves to gently ride the current of life, travel with it through the ups, downs, twists, and turns, we will find that we will reach our destination with fewer bruises. When we fight against the current, when we deny who we are and what we are capable of, we do ourselves a disservice. We spend our lives aspiring to be someone else and miss the beautiful truth that WE are glorious even in our imperfections.

We are not defined by the darkness or the light that resides in us. We are defined of our use of that darkness and light. Our weakness can become sources of strength if we stop trying to make them disappear. If we can, instead, learn to work with them and redirect their energy, we will find that they can be forces of change in us. Just as powerful is the acceptance of our light. Of our own unique abilities and qualities. Our Inner Nature is begging that we stop trying to be who we are not and instead embrace who we are. We were never meant to be as another. We were meant to be our purest and most powerful self.

I am allowing my journey to lead me to my Inner Nature and allow that voice to guide the rest of my life. I am finished with walking the path “I think” I’m supposed to walk. I am determined to enter the path I was always meant to travel and embrace the wonders that path will discover. This is key to joy and the key to happiness. To walk my true path and embrace my true self.  

Breaking.

(Disclaimer: do not read this post if you're looking for something inspiring or uplifting. This was an outlet tonight...it isn't beautifully written or touching. It just is.)


 

I'm breaking. No point in denying it, I am breaking. I think weekly meltdowns and living in a constant state of anxiety are definitive signs that I'm not alright. Work. School. Gym. Homework. Home. Family. Church. I want to do it all, but I'm failing. Everywhere I turn I am failing. I want to throw my hands up and scream to the world "Screw it, I quit!!"...but those words are not in my vocabulary. Not at all.

I've brought this on myself, and I have no other person to blame. I thought I could do it all. I thought I was superwoman. No big deal. I can please everyone, including myself, and get everything done. It worked for a while...then my seemingly flawless world of marble started cracking. I started cracking. 

The turn of the year is where it started....my own life was stressful, disorganized, and I felt incomplete. My job was stressful, and I felt I carried a great portion of its' weight on my shoulders. My husband and I were fighting and struggling. He changed jobs. Then I found out my mother lost her job. Bam. A blow...a low piercing blow that affected the people I care most about. The worry and helplessness I felt is hardly describable.Then my life began to spiral...I became sick. I experienced the first of many anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was throwing up. So I went to my parents. I took a break. It was so needed. I  made some life changing decisions. I came home with hope. 

Then I lost hope. Another blow. Crushing. Devastating. Heart-wrenching. It tore me from all foundations. It was the most acute pain I have ever felt. Taking into account every miserable experience I've faced in the last 10 years. How I came out of it...I have no idea. I guess I'm still not entirely out of it. But I ran for change. I started school. I found satisfaction again. I dug to find my own strength and purpose.

But the weight is still there. I have always been responsible. It has always felt like my job was to be strong. No matter what, I had to keep the faith....even as a child. Keep on trekking. I could cry and I could struggle, but I couldn't quit. I couldn't dissapoint. I have to be reliable. I have to think of others first. I did everything I could to not be the reason for anyone to cry, to mourn, to worry. 

I failed.

I am still failing. Those expectations are still there for me. Be strong. Be courageous. Be faithful. Be positive. Be responsible. Be forgiving. Be selfless. Be righteous. Be good. Be wonderful. Even if everyone else around you fails you, and disappoints you...forgive them. Love them. Trust them. Move on. Be there for them. Be strong for them. If they judge you, just smile and move on. 

And those expectations now have been added on to. Serve faithfully. Love your husband. Be a good worker. Be a mother. Be self reliant. Be a good homemaker. Be a great wife. Be a great employee. Be a great student. Be a great teacher. Be a great friend. 

So when life comes at you. When others leave work I STILL have to be there. Because I care. Because I am responsible. Because I don't want to hurt anyone.

When my heart is broken, past what feels repairable...when everything I trusted and everything I cherished was ruined...I have to forgive. I have to move on, move past and be strong. I have to remind myself, it isn't about me.

When God seems to have abandoned me. I have to have faith. I have to be grateful. I have to look for His hand. I have to be humble and I have to trust.

When others look at me asking "When are you going to have a baby?", I have to smile and pretend the judgement doesn't cut me. Even though it isn't there business. I have to let it go.

When I'm told that I have all the time in the world for myself. When I'm told, in any way, that my lot isn't difficult. That I am selfish. That I am lucky for my pretty little life....I have to bite my tongue, bite back the tears and keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs,

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN AND HELL I'VE BEEN CLIMBING THOUGH!"

And then I cry. I cry alone and I cry because...for the first time in my life...I feel that no one can reach me. No one can feel this pain I'm feeling. I cry to my God and I only feel silence. I feel alone. And in that moment I feel and I see all of the cracks in my marble...and I realize I am breaking. 

Yet...this broken piece of stone still has to get up in the morning...put a smile on and face the world. I will post this, then feel guilty two seconds later because some people will read it and see the ugly truth about me. They will see that I am weak, and vulnerable and depressing. 

Yet tonight it wasn't about them or anyone else. It was about me. I need to release. I needed to write. I needed to extract some of the poison that is coursing through my heart. I have wept bitterly this night...but the only solace I have found is the simple act of writing it all out. And not just deleting it, because that feels like I'm burying it again. It is out there now. For me to look back upon. For me to admit. Maybe that's what I partially needed...confession. I needed to admit to no one in particular but to the universe at large, that I am breaking. I do not feel strong enough.

This wasn't a pretty blog post....

Tomorrow I'll repent. I'll write something uplifting and inspiring. I'll talk about all the good and progress in my life. 

But tonight I couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight I could only cry.

Don't

Don't judge me when you see me, don't assume when you haven't asked. 
Don't pretend you know my journey, when you're ignorant of my past.
Don't try to be a guru, and tell me what to do.
Don't believe you understand me, until you've walked in my shoes.

Don't tell me I'm an angel, before you know what's in my head.
Don't dare call me a devil, until you've seen the tears I've shed.
Don't compare your life's story, to mine in any way.
Don't believe you have me figured, until you've heard what I have to say.

Don't laugh at my struggles, and don't envy what I've gained.
Don't mock my living heart ache, until you've witnessed my pain.
Don't believe every smile, that crosses my blank face.
Don't think that I don't pretend, and rely on hidden grace.

Don't befriend me on the surface, then send stabs behind my back.
Don't think you can teach me, to make up for what I lack.
Don't tell me pretty words, that you think I want to hear.
Don't put a mask to hide yourself, and think we can be near.

Don't think you know me better, than myself and God above.
Don't try to offer anything, except your unfeigned love.
Don't try to be a hero, and don't try to be a saint.
Don't live a life in such a way to be something that you ain't.

There's too much to each of us to try and place a name.
All we can is love and laugh, and play life like a game.
So Don't take life too seriously, and worry through and through.
Let go, don't hold on, and allow love to change you.

In the Dead of Night

In the dead of night I find myself, arrested with such suffocating fright. I can't stop the thoughts in my mind racing and turning. I can't stop worrying about everything that is on my shoulders.  I feel like I'm letting so many people down, and I wish I could be superwoman and save everyone and everything. I don't know how to turn my mind off. I don't know how to stop the dread that is in my heart. I don't know how to finally feel the peace that I'm so desperately seeking for.

I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to find the secret that will relinquish the torment of my days...in the dead of night I find myself wishing for a solution that seems so far away.

A Tribute to a Setting Sun

The sun sets on another beautiful day. The hours of a moment pass in quiet solemnity as thoughts echo with each fading ray. Such a glorious setting, inspiring the joy of stars and the sorrow of a long night; it is the setting that must happen, for each of us. It is the setting of our day, the closing of a story, of a life, beautiful and memorable and individual. 

A sun set early on the eve of the most joyful and celebrated birth in history. It’s majestic and quite descent filled watching eyes and hearts with sorrow, emptiness, and peace. The bittersweet taste of a farewell and of a long awaited reunion lingers in each of those who knew. The chilling dusk that settles around gives rise to echoes of doubts and fears. 

Could more have been done? Could this life have been more beautiful? Should more effort have been made to place memories upon this wonderful soul? These thoughts plague the grieving hearts. Regret of lost hours, lost moments, of lost chances that will never return until our own setting. Each mind reflects and can’t help but wish for a longer day. It is the curse of those who days have not ended. To wonder as they watch a piece of them fade into night. 

But, as the darkness begins to press onward, and threaten to forever linger before our eyes, glimmers of light appear in the black above. Stars. Containing rays, of truth, of beauty, they glimmer in peaceful memory, as if to call our minds on the light that left them. A moon arises, casting its comforting glow. These heavenly specters appear as if to answer our call and need. Hearts are comforted as they see the distant hope. 

Each life ends with the passing of a sun. Each day, no matter how wonderful, or how good, will close in the same way. With a quite setting, and a rising night, we are reminded, that here and now time must pass. Was it all for nothing? Will the setting and night be forever the end; the end of our friends, the end of our loves, the end of us? 

Within the night we find our answer. The very stars seem to sing, the moon ring, with the promise that the night to all our days will some day break into twilight. Light will appear and then the rising of a new sun will herald a glorious reunion. 

The Son. The joyous promise His rising will bring. To each of us a new dawn will shine. After the period of dark distance, we will be all reunited in glorious sun rise. Every memory, every loving heart will return to their affections and all will be re-born in a mighty and never-ending day. For now, we wait for that breaking. 

For now we watch as stars appear and as our own days continue softly on. We will never forget the warmth of the setting sun. It will carry us through dark hours and help us until all is new.

Christmas is here

As the air grows still and silent with a bitter cold chill, my heart tightens, it swells, and it grows heavy with thoughts and memories long since passed. Why, during the most wonderful time of the year, do I feel a weight constrict my chest and threaten to darken my eyes? What is it about this time that so easily brings out wonder and joy as well as sorrow and tears? I find myself pondering this thought while I sit here, nose against the grindstone and gazing wistfully out my window at the icy world beyond. 

I know of no other time when you can feel the spirit so strong all around you. It is infectious and everyone who celebrates this time of year can sense that this time, of all times, is different. More acts of kindness are shown, more thoughts of charity, forgiveness and love. The world becomes, even just for a few weeks, a better place. They call it the spirit of the season. Amongst the hustle of shoppers, parties, and heavy traffic, people’s hearts are softened as their thoughts turn to the child whose birth we celebrate.

 For this reason we feel a sense of joy and exultation. Hope fills us and we look forward to the future with greater faith and trust.

But, during this time, there are many whose hearts are not lightened, and whose eyes do not sparkle with the magic everywhere. They are laden down with sorrows and pains of the world. They feel the ache of memories of times past. They are lonely. They are sick. They are captured by a darkness that seeks to destroy them. Perhaps this is why I feel both sorrow and joy? Perhaps this is why my heart is heavy with emotion. 

I cannot help but think of at least 20 families who will not feel the joy of this season easily. Whose hearts are broken and are yearning for peace at this time. Forever the memory of that day will haunt them each season, and oh how my soul aches for them. 

I think of the men and women across the seas who are not surrounded by family, but instead by horrors only the depraved can imagine. They pay the ultimate sacrifice as they stand strong and defend their loved ones. My heart sings to them across the miles, begging that grace and light can shine upon them and bring them a moment of joy. 

So many souls are lost. So many hearts are weighed down. Perchance I am more in-tune with these souls at this time, because I am more in-tune with the God of us all? Maybe I am feeling His own sorrow as He watches the tragedies of this world brought about by evil men? Men which our Father gives the right of agency; the right to choose their own path, whether good or evil. How His heart must sorrow at the wrong decisions the world is making. 

So much darkness. The night presses ever forward while it seems there are less rays of light. Fewer people who will stand amidst the cloud and bring joy to the world. As we approach, I fear, a new era, what will become of this world? Will there arise enough good hearts to stem the tide of hate and greed? 

As the air grows still, and my heart grows heavy, my soul cries out to my God on high. I cry for comfort, I cry for hope. I cry for a change that seems forever elusive… 

How interesting, that in my reverie my mind is turned to that night…long ago, during a similar time of darkness. A time of straying souls and cold steel hearts, a time of a world crying out…for a savior.

And what wonder it is…that our Father above heard their cries, and sent His only Begotten Son to the Earth. Lower than all, so He may understand all. Perfect and holy, the light to the world. Born was He. The King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Our wonderful, counselor, Savior and Redeemer. The Prince of Peace. 

He came to this world and descended below all, that whosoever would come unto Him and follow Him, would be partakers of His saving grace. He truly was the answer to His people’s prayers, as He is the answer to my prayers today. He is the answer to every heart and plea. Whether the world knows it or not, the Light that came still shines upon us all, and will come again. Forever our hope and forever our peace. 

I pray, with all the energy of my being that during this time peace will fall upon all yearning hearts. I pray we may all be stirred to remember the reason for this season. The source of the “magic in the air” is not in the lights, the presents or the jingling of bells. It comes from deep within us, a quiet reminder within our hearts that our spirits’ know who is watching over us all. 

Merry Christmas.

Victory or Defeat?

What is the difference between success and failure; between achieving and falling short? What makes a person a victor? What makes a person a failure? It all starts the same; a dream, a goal, a competition, a challenge. Most intentions to succeed are the same. No one wants to fail…do they? But along the road, along the journey, what separates the victors and the weak; the “boys from men” so to say?

No one person’s journey is the same. From birth we are handed a unique set of cards and as life enfolds we begin to play our hand. We have opportunities to collect, and dispose of some of these cards. For some people, the game becomes extremely difficult and they never can seem to get the upper hand. For others, although the game was rough and trying they have persevered and achieved with the cards they were dealt. Still some have an easy game throughout and of these a few achieve, few lock into stalemate and others fail entirely. Each game is also unique. Each turnout is completely different. Again, what separates these winners and losers?

Philosophers, coaches and great speakers throughout time have contemplated on this subject and given feedback. Many of them including Thomas Jefferson, Theodore T. Hunger and Cicero believed that success is dependent entirely within you. That no one can bring success to your life but your own determination and fortitude; regardless of the hand that is dealt and the game that is played. You can overcome it all if you simply have that determination within.

“Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself”-Theodore T. Hunger.

By our very natures we can be the means of our ascent to success or crash to failure. In our attitude, in our outlook, we can take whatever hand the game of life has dealt, and subsequently play any game life plays, and succeed. It isn’t so much about the luck of the draw. It is about the character and attitude of the person.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”-Thomas Jefferson.

To many successful and well educated minds, success also depends on a degree of faith and belief. Yet, still this faith is developed from within one who has a strong mind and heart. It is said faith can move mountains. If you are a person of faith than it would follow you too could move mountains. It all comes down to your mind, your heart, your attitude. Every player in the game is given these three cards. But only the victors train and develop them to be the strongest in their hand.

The key to failure is simple. Stop trying. Stop growing. Stop overcoming. Those who fall down, cry at the unfair loses their life has dealt, and determine to no longer care, loose the game entirely. These are the whiners, complainers, lazy and annoyed. These are they who with much crying and ranting about their injustices, weaken their most valuable cards and rely on a dispensable and immobilizing hand. They rely on pity, self-indulgence, free handouts, and temporary means of gratification. Everyone I believe plays a card or two of these, but those elite quickly realize they will get nowhere, and so they trade them in.

The best supporting cards to heart, mind and attitude, are perseverance, knowledge, humility and faith. With this deck anything that the game throws you will be able to overcome. These cards are unlimited and only run out when you decide to stop playing them.

What are things that you want? What are the goals that, by achieving them, will make who the man or woman you want to be? Is it earning that degree? Is it having the strongest and most fit body you can possibly have? Is it success in a job or sport? Is it publishing a book, writing a concerto, or painting a work of art? No matter what it is success will come only with unwavering determination and strong courage with faith.

What is the secret to success?

It is you. It is your will and determination to overcome all obstacles. It is your attitude that there is no time like the present to be who you want to be and achieve all that you dream to achieve. It is your heart and faith that you can accomplish great things. It is your perseverance to get back up after every pitfall. It is your humility and open heart that will guide you on how to change. You are the key to your success.

Finally, there is one more essential piece in achieving success. We can do it but only if we lean on the ultimate victor. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Remember, Heavenly Father has put within each of us the spirit and heart to do difficult things. He expects us to stand up and work and do all that we can do. Please do not miss-understand and believe I think that without Him we can do anything. We really can’t. But He has given us the tools and ability to do for ourselves. Again His help does not come as free handouts. It comes as gifts or “cards” in our deck that we can use and develop. He will guide our hand as we let Him and He will help us develop our true potential. As we have faith in Him and in ourselves, we will overcome all.

Today

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Today is the moment I change my path and destiny, forever. Today is the day. Today I am who I’ve always wanted to be.

How different would our lives be if we lived every day in the moment, in the day, and to the very fullest? What if we truly just took it all “A day at a time”? What if we stopped letting our past dictate who we are today, and the future overwhelm us to the point of forfeit? What if we woke up each morning and decided that “Today I am going to be who I always wanted to be”?

Today I wanted to be the woman who woke up, made herself and her husband breakfast, snacks, and lunch for the day. Today I wanted to pray with my husband before we left for the day. Today I wanted to be on time to work. Today I wanted kiss my husband goodbye and with a happy smile. Today I wanted to be a great worker and clean up my “to do list”. Today I want to be smiling and excited when my husband picks me up. Today I want to work out and eat a healthy dinner. Today I want to read scriptures with my husband and end the day with prayer. Today I want to love more and hate less. Today I want to feel the spirit. Today I want to be the best possible me.

Does it matter if that is who I was yesterday? No. Does it matter if that is who I am tomorrow? No. It matters if I am that woman today. Today is what matters. Today is what counts. Every morning that my eyes open I have an opportunity to be whomever I want. I have the power to define who I am in this very moment. In this very today. Every night I lay my head down I want to smile knowing that today was not wasted. Today meant something. Today was a step toward my destiny.

I’m changing who I am. I’m changing the way I see my world. Yesterday matters no more. It is in the past. Tomorrow will take care of itself as long as I’m focusing on taking care of today. This moment is a gift. This life is a blessing. Who can I touch? What can I do? Who can I be? The possibilities are entirely endless. This moment is the key to forever. This is my journey. I am in control of who I am. It all begins today.

The Decision

You’re standing at the threshold, suspended in air, waiting the moment of fall...then something reaches out. It grasps you, catches you, holds you still for just a moment, and then slowly turns you elsewhere.

It is the moment of change. A second chance. A rebirth. From the moment you turn, a new life, unknown and untraveled, waits for your first steps. Fear grips you, and apprehension threatens to overwhelm you. Tempted, you almost look back, but that same “something” halts your head. There is no going back. You know this. That road leads to a long abyss. It leads nowhere. At the moment of what seemed to be destruction, you allowed yourself to be turned to a new path. This is your hour. This hour that determines the rest of your existence.

Your decision, has determined your destiny.

It will be scary, and you will make mistakes. There will be many possible turns, and countless opportunities to walk back the way you came. It won’t be easy. Sometimes you’ll seem to walk alone. Sometimes, you’ll doubt your choice. Don’t doubt. Don’t turn. You are no longer walking alone. Someone is there. He’s holding your hand, and He will carry you if you are weary. Keep following that “something. “ It turned you to Him.

After a while, you’ll know what saved you. You’ll recognize the “something.”

Joy awaits you. Joy you’ve never before known. Can you feel it calling? It’s already beginning to embrace you. Miracles thread there way throughout this path. You’ll discover beauty beyond your dreams. You’ll encounter angels, and kings. You’ll find sanctuaries. You’ll find home. Trust me. I’ve seen them. Trust Him. He’s made them with His hands. They’re waiting for you, and you’re on your way to embracing all.

Do you know what it is yet? Do you recognize the “something”?

Inside you’ve felt the stirring. It was painful at first, you turned away from it. You were scared. Then slowly, over time, He touched you here and there. He was there. Watching. Waiting patiently. You began to be open. The loneliness of where you were overpowered the fear of what laid ahead. You allowed it to reach you. You allowed it to save you. You had faith. You had courage. You let it turn you, and you trusted.

You know what it is now. You’ve always know, because it’s always been there.

Love.

Love of a King who knew your pain, and suffered for you. He suffered with you. He was waiting for you to see Him. Hear Him. He saved you. His love saved you from the fall. He knows you. No reason to hide, no reason to fear. He’s never going to let you go, just hold onto Him. Hold Him...You’re His. He ransomed you. For your sake, He gave all. Don’t fear Him, just trust Him.

Every time your knees touch the ground, His love will touch you. Every time you cry, His ears will hear you. Every time you laugh, He will smile with you. In darkness, His light will be yours. In light, He will provide it all. Let Him be your source of strength, and you’ll discover this destiny...He will crown you His.

Come Home

I have been contemplating much on the idea of hope…hope for a future unknown, hope for love, hope for joy, salvation, and hope for every desire of our hearts. Hope. It is a word used flippantly, but holds so much power. How many of us truly hope? How often do we ignore the bitter darkness of lost dreams and focus above on the ray of light illuminating our hopeful future? Too little…too little.

I used to wallow in the dismal expanse of circumstance; only seeing the wasteland of shattered pieces lying about me never once looking above to see the sky clearing and that silver lining giving way to glorious sunrise. Like so many, I focused on the things I did not have and the things I was not able to achieve. I tried to remain happy, but it was a losing battle; faith was shaking and I was slowly breaking. The winds cried around me, screaming “Why? Why me? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I deserve this?” Why, why, why? That’s what I constantly fought against.

Then, one day, a ray burst through the clouds. It was brilliant, blinding, and filled me with warmth. While I basked in its illuminating glow, I was able to forget where I was. It no longer mattered! I had my ray of sunshine and I was warm. I was joyous. Without thinking I slowly followed that ray of sun as it led me through my troubled path. There were times I strayed from its’ reach, but I was always quick to return. The more I concentrated on the sky the more I noticed the clouds dissipating, replaced with beautiful sky. Eventually I was able to look around…and my world had changed.

The barren wasteland had transformed to a green sea bursting with colors and life. A blue clear sky spread from horizon to horizon and the sun beamed its dazzling light across the expanse of my world. Everything was lush and vibrant, radiating joy and happiness. It was intoxicating and welcomed me in with open arms.

I find myself in tears as I wander in this amazing world. There are mysterious paths here and unknown terrain, but I do not fear them. My sun stills illuminates those roads. There are places, too that are familiar and inviting. I often spend time in each of these, content to let time happy roll along, in no fear that I’ll miss anything while I enjoy my moment. And yet again there are shadows of distant memories, my past world still lingering here and there. I don’t dwell on those. There isn’t much light, so I don’t see the point. I walked and learned all those roads and I will not return. I found my light, and I will go wherever it reaches.

I found my hope. Through the darkest most miserable point in my life it was able to give me a ray…a glimmer. My ray was Christ. My glimmer was His words of peace. I latch onto Him…and as I focused my attention on His warmth, the clouds became thinner and I slowly followed Him to a new place. His light opened my world, and in that world I have found everything, everything I could have dreamed of. But it started with that ray of HOPE.

“Hope guides us it’s what gets us through the day and especially the night”. I love these words. If there was more hope in the world, sadness would decrease, loneliness would flee, and love would abound. If people hoped more and mourned less, each life would change for the better. The end of the journey wouldn’t be an end, but a glories opening to a new beginning.

I know that there are so many who will read this and feel there is no hope for them. In theory it is a nice sentiment, but in there reality, no clouds are breaking, and no rays are beckoning. To you let me tell you, the key to the clouds is this.

“Whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” –Ether 12:4

Believe in GOD. Believe on His name. Believe the Father of your souls and the creator of all things would not leave you abandoned and alone. His light will reach you if you but cast aside your doubts and fears, whatever they may be, and seek out the light behind the clouds.

No matter you pain, no matter the hurt you face, He will comfort you. The Savior felt those pains, He is ready to succor.

No matter how black you past, no matter how deep your sin, He will forgive you. The Savior has already paid for those mistakes, He is ready to welcome you HOME.

Come to him. That is my plea. This is your hope. By looking upwards and seeking for him, you will find His light beckoning you on to a better world.

I know so many who are standing where I stood…who may be even more lost than I was.
Come back. Come join me. There is Hope for you; there is light and joy beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t stay lost in your own state of self-loathing, of pitty, of anger and depression. Find that light. It is there, I promise it is there. It will come to you during your “trial of faith” if you but seek it and welcome it.

We are not alone.

We are loved beyond measure.

God and His Son love us more than we can imagine and they are waiting to welcome us home.

This is hope.

Feelings

I didn't know what else to call this post...it isn't very descriptive, and I guess I could say that what I'm feeling right now isn't easily described either.

I'm engaged officiallly now, and the wedding is in 2 and 1/2 months. I can't wait until it is here and over. The stress and pressure of these last months is maddening. It will be nice to feel like I can breath again. Don't get me wrong, the planning is a ton of fun! It is simply the rest of the worries and struggles that come along with being engaged are wearing on me.

I guess that is why all the rest of what I'm feeling is dragging me down more...things that I'm usually able to deal with, are all just rubbing me the wrong way. It's so hard because I feel trapped. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling, and I wish I did. I'm torn as well, because I know I shouldn't complain...but I don't know what other way to get this off my chest.

Life is so full of drama it seems. Leaving Florida didn't take that away, and neither did getting engaged. It still followed and has simply taken a different form...and is working double hard to pull me down. If it isn't one thing, it is another. I guess the key is learning how to not let it affect you at all...and I'm definitely not at that point yet.

I feel that I'm in uncharted territory and that I've stumbled. Few times, and even lost my way. At least the Lord is there...I'm so grateful for that. There is Another feeling....gratitude for the blessing of my Savior and the atonement. What a miracle in my existence.

Man...I feel so scattered brained...this is the most random post.

Let us just say, I'm still figuring out the journey. Falling in love didn't end my problems or stop the lessons coming my way. I simply have new ones, and need do find out how to handle them soon.

Somtin Girl

Letting Go

October 13th...over two months since my previous blog. So much has happened, and things I once said would never be are now blossoming into fruition. The Lord has continued to surprise and bless me...even though I feel in many ways I do not deserve it. It has been a remarkable journey, and one I have never tread before.

I'm in love again. I use to be scared to admit it, but finally I've pulled down that wall, and now I can say it with joy. I'm in LOVE and I'm going to marry him. He's my best friend, and the one man I know I can trust eternally with my heart. He's been there for me for over two years...patiently waiting in the background for me to finally wake up, open my eyes, and see him for who he truly is. Now that I have, there is no going back. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but him. Being away from him causes me pain, and being without him has become an unbearable idea. I choose that man to be my companion for eternity, and I want him to hold onto me forever.

My emotions are actually very close to the surface right now, and I'm not sure how to adequately express all I'm feeling. I'm feeling joy, peace, comfort, and excitement; but I'm also feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not only am I going three days without seeing my other half, but I'm also feeling homesick for both my earthly and heavenly homes.

It's my mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mami), and I wish I could be with her for it. I wish I could give her a huge hug and kiss and tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she has done for me. She was a rock when I had a shaky foundation and she has stood by my side since the moment I was born.

I also met with my Bishop and had a very good meeting with him, but it's also caused me to reflect upon myself...and upon my weaknesses. How desperately I wish that I could kneel at my Savior's feet and pour out my soul to him. How I yearn for His arms to surround me and let me know He loves me and knows me. I want to be more like Him and I'm saddened by my human frailities.

Yet, most of all, I miss the one who's arms instill the greatest sense of comfort and security. I miss the hands that tenderly caress me, and the eyes which hold my future in them. I wish he was here. I wish I could hop in a car and be with him in moments. It seems a cruel joke to be so in love with someone but so far away. I can hardly wait for the day when I never have to be separated from him again. I long for the morning I can wake up knowing he will be the first person I see.

These are uncharted waters. I've never been this deep before, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know quite how to handle all of this and in so many ways it still seems so unreal. Am I really in love again? Am I really talking about getting married? Is there really a man who loves me more than anything and wants ME??

It has been a process getting here...it's been a scary journey of taking down my walls and allowing my heart to feel again. But they did come down...and guess what...

I'm letting go.

Letter To A Friend

I wrote a letter to my friend this morning...I feel I have to share a good part of it on my blog.

"I can't believe that I've been here for a month now...time has rushed by so quickly, and yet in the same breath I can say that this has been such a full and eventful month. It's crazy! I thought and knew that things would be different here, but I had no idea the extent. It's almost a 180 switch from Florida.

I know it may sound corny but, I feel like a new person here. Not really different...just new. Like I was a piece of tarnished silver that someone took a cloth to and made it gleam again. I don't feel weary and worn anymore...I feel light. I feel free.

I'm glad that you can sense that. This woman you see now is more of the woman I use to be. The happy, upbeat and positive individual who has a zest for life. Of course, I will forever be different than who I once was. I know I'll never truly be able to go back to the times where I was a hopeless romantic...one who saw the world in an unshaded light.

No. I'll never be her again. Experience has taught and calloused me. I will always be hard...yet I realize that I can feel, deep down, I'm soft underneath it all. That gives me so much hope and happiness.

Happiness...what a beautiful word. I'm happy, and it comes from me, no one else. I feel an inner sense of peace right now. There is a light within me that radiates joy through my soul. I've never felt this before...I wish I could share the feeling.

The Lord is good...so good. Not only has he stood by m y side through my darkest nights, but he has lifted me into the sunrise again. I'm overwhelmed by the blessings he's pouring down upon me. I couldn't ask for anything more.

When I wake up...part of me wants to just throw my window open and inhale the morning air. Inhale my new life. Is it possible to truly find the healing balm of Gilead in a place such as this? I don't hurt anymore Mi...that pain is only a shadowy memory of my past. It no longer saturates my every thought...no longer poison's my weary soul. It makes me want to weep in relief and joy.

I am free. Finally I am free.

...

I had this thought come to me the other day...it's a bit poetic and dramatic, but it describes one of my deepest feelings and understandings.
'In the darkness of night,
truth becomes clear...
And in the silence you hear
What lies underneath.'
I believe to truly understand ourselves, we must loose ourselves. Let go of what we can see, and take that leap into the unknown. Turn off our own ideas and allow the truth buried within us to come forth...and often it is in our darkest moments, when we feel the most alone, that we discover who we really are.

I am on that journey."

I think that says it all.

I Listened....

My....where do I start?? So much has happened in the past month, and I can't help but say that I am blown away and amazed.

Three weeks ago I moved to Provo, Utah. Now if you know me at all you'll know that I was adamantly against coming out west again. In my opinion it didn't do me good to come last year, so why would it this time? Thus I debated and struggled within myself, trying to decide what the next step of my life should be. Where should I go to school? Should I take time off and just work? Should I move out of my parents house again?

I pondered over these questions again and again...it wasn't until I talked with my parents one evening, about six weeks ago, that things became clear. They voiced there opinions and feelings regarding me that they had in the past while, and as they spoke the spirit wispered plainly what I should do.

It was time for me to swallow my pride and move to Provo.

So three weeks later, here I was. Moved in and in the midst of an adventure of whose outcome I had to idea. But it became clear to me, very quickly, that I had made the right decision. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. I felt the comfort and blessing of knowing that I was in the right place at the right time. I don't have the ability to describe the overwhelming emotion this knowledge envokes within me.

I am happy. Truly and completely happy. Most days are wonderful, even if I don't ever do anything really significant besides job hunting. I wake up in the morning and I can't help but feeling blessed.

Already I've made some great friends, and I've done exciting things. I've been out on great dates, gone to fun get-together's, and had adventures I never dreamed of. And it's only been a few weeks!!

It would be a sin to not publicly express my thanks to my Lord for pushing me to take this leap of faith. Things in my life finally seem to me to be full of promise and happiness, and it's all because of one thing.

I listened.

Faith and Trust.....

I haven't been able to write because I haven't wanted to think too much about how I'm feeling right now...it's been easier to push my thoughts aside and ignore them. But maybe it's time I start expressing how I'm feeling, maybe it will help me sort out my emotions that way.

My curveball went as quickly and as silently as it came, but that didn't stop it from leaving a burning wake in it's path. I doubt I've experienced such extreme emotions in so few weeks. One month felt like six, and it left me dazed, confused, and broken at the end. I experienced a new emotion, one that the years of past ache never touched upon. Numbness. Never has a wall so quickly shot up, never have I felt so detached from my feelings. I couldn't feel anything, except numbing nothingness. And then, Anger.

It sent in like a dense fog. I remembered what was beyond it, I knew what was behind it, and I understood what I had to do to get rid of it. But I didn't care. Anger sometimes works that way. I couldn't understand why this happened to me. Why again was I given something so amazing, only to have it forcibly taken away and ruined? Why when I had tried to be so careful in avoiding pain like this ever again, was I burning with the scar of yet another disappointment?

Hadn't I been doing what I was suppose to? Hadn't I been living my life in a way to expect answers to prayers and the desires of my heart? Hadn't I been humble and shown I was trusting in God's will? Hadn't I been trying to stay in tune with the Spirit so I might know the paths to take? I'm not perfect...but I was actively trying, so why?? Why did this have to happen to me??

I stopped praying. I was mad at God. I stopped writing. I was mad at myself. I stopped talking, stopped singing, stopped smiling. I acted normal to those who didn't really know me, but to those who did, I was distant, quiet, and shallow. I lost all will to make an effort in finding the positive. I simply pushed away all thoughts of wishful thinking and hope. I knew there was none to be had. I gave up on those dreams, on my desire to find the happiness so many have found. I accepted that it would forever be elusive to me. I only had the chance to feel shadows of the real, tastes of the actual substance. Never would I feel the complete wholeness that comes when you find that missing part of yourself.

I was broken.
And I didn't deserve it.



Time has passed....the days have continually moved along and I have waded on the surf. At times I am merely treading water. Others, I don't seem to be affected at all. It seems that this time the blanket of numbness is ever present. There are moments when, through a gap in the barrier, emotion comes flooding in and takes me off guard; then I understand how deeply the hurt goes. Most of the time; however, I feel nothing, and I try to hope for nothing. For hope and feeling leads to unwanted emotions, and unneeded risks. It's easier to believe in the negative but practical reality.

Yet....there is still a flame...or more, a single spark, that flickers faintly underneath all the barriers and walls. I sometimes find myself gazing upon it...lost in a daze as I view what it represents. In that single speck of light, I find all the buried hope, all the optimistic dreams that I try to think no longer of. When I see it's glimmer, I acutely feel the ache and longing that comes with a weak belief that my luck will someday change.

But to think too deeply upon this is to walk again into the realms I so painfully fell from. It means putting away the protection of the known, and wading once more into the realms of the unknown. To venture forth and feed this spark, entails opening myself up to actions I now shun. It means having faith. It means having trust.

Faith and trust....what frightening words. Some say they are the key to power and happiness...for myself, I'm not too sure. How can I have faith when before it has brought me disappointment? How can I trust when all it reaps is pain and sorrow? How do I allow myself to believe in something I have no proof will ever exist?

God has required so much of me. He has tested me, and pushed me beyond the point of breaking. I no longer complain. I no longer dwell on the injustice of life. It is not my place to desire more than He gives. I am trying to be content with my lot. So, why should I even desire and believe that I will ever has something more? Do I believe that God could do it? Of course. Do I believe that he WILL do it? I don't know...

That's where the faith comes in. That's where the trust takes place. I am trying to teach myself how to feel these again. I am trying to learn to be like a child....full of faith and absolute trust, having such an untarnished an optimistic view of life.

It is proving to be the longest road of my mortal experience.

Curve-balls and Whirlwinds

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change. Sometimes time chooses to take the slow road and it would seem that nothing new lurks in our horizon. Other times it decides to surprise us, and in an instant everything in our life has flipped. Often one surprise variable can be the changing factor in our personal journey.

Such a curve-ball has come my way. I didn't see it, didn't guess it, couldn't believe it when it hit me and knocked me of my game. But, oh what a curve-ball it was. It's changing my life, and I couldn't be more grateful.

The whirlwind that I find myself in now...the absolute storm that has swept me off my feet, is threatening to take my breath away. And I couldn't be happier with where it's spinning me. I'm scared and unsure of many things...but I can't ignore what I'm feeling and what's starting to form. I don't know the future...but if the present is any indication, then I can't wait to find out.

That's the scariest thing about curve-balls and whirlwinds...you didn't plan for or really expect them, so you're not sure how to handle them sometimes. I'm trying not t fight it, trying to let myself go. It am so happy..so very happy. I don't know what the future holds, but I have very high hopes.

Only that faithful entity called time will tell where this new adventure will go. I can only hold my breath, keep my fingers crossed, and pray for the best outcome. Here's to the unknown!