Letting Go

October 13th...over two months since my previous blog. So much has happened, and things I once said would never be are now blossoming into fruition. The Lord has continued to surprise and bless me...even though I feel in many ways I do not deserve it. It has been a remarkable journey, and one I have never tread before.

I'm in love again. I use to be scared to admit it, but finally I've pulled down that wall, and now I can say it with joy. I'm in LOVE and I'm going to marry him. He's my best friend, and the one man I know I can trust eternally with my heart. He's been there for me for over two years...patiently waiting in the background for me to finally wake up, open my eyes, and see him for who he truly is. Now that I have, there is no going back. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but him. Being away from him causes me pain, and being without him has become an unbearable idea. I choose that man to be my companion for eternity, and I want him to hold onto me forever.

My emotions are actually very close to the surface right now, and I'm not sure how to adequately express all I'm feeling. I'm feeling joy, peace, comfort, and excitement; but I'm also feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not only am I going three days without seeing my other half, but I'm also feeling homesick for both my earthly and heavenly homes.

It's my mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mami), and I wish I could be with her for it. I wish I could give her a huge hug and kiss and tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she has done for me. She was a rock when I had a shaky foundation and she has stood by my side since the moment I was born.

I also met with my Bishop and had a very good meeting with him, but it's also caused me to reflect upon myself...and upon my weaknesses. How desperately I wish that I could kneel at my Savior's feet and pour out my soul to him. How I yearn for His arms to surround me and let me know He loves me and knows me. I want to be more like Him and I'm saddened by my human frailities.

Yet, most of all, I miss the one who's arms instill the greatest sense of comfort and security. I miss the hands that tenderly caress me, and the eyes which hold my future in them. I wish he was here. I wish I could hop in a car and be with him in moments. It seems a cruel joke to be so in love with someone but so far away. I can hardly wait for the day when I never have to be separated from him again. I long for the morning I can wake up knowing he will be the first person I see.

These are uncharted waters. I've never been this deep before, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know quite how to handle all of this and in so many ways it still seems so unreal. Am I really in love again? Am I really talking about getting married? Is there really a man who loves me more than anything and wants ME??

It has been a process getting here...it's been a scary journey of taking down my walls and allowing my heart to feel again. But they did come down...and guess what...

I'm letting go.

Letter To A Friend

I wrote a letter to my friend this morning...I feel I have to share a good part of it on my blog.

"I can't believe that I've been here for a month now...time has rushed by so quickly, and yet in the same breath I can say that this has been such a full and eventful month. It's crazy! I thought and knew that things would be different here, but I had no idea the extent. It's almost a 180 switch from Florida.

I know it may sound corny but, I feel like a new person here. Not really different...just new. Like I was a piece of tarnished silver that someone took a cloth to and made it gleam again. I don't feel weary and worn anymore...I feel light. I feel free.

I'm glad that you can sense that. This woman you see now is more of the woman I use to be. The happy, upbeat and positive individual who has a zest for life. Of course, I will forever be different than who I once was. I know I'll never truly be able to go back to the times where I was a hopeless romantic...one who saw the world in an unshaded light.

No. I'll never be her again. Experience has taught and calloused me. I will always be hard...yet I realize that I can feel, deep down, I'm soft underneath it all. That gives me so much hope and happiness.

Happiness...what a beautiful word. I'm happy, and it comes from me, no one else. I feel an inner sense of peace right now. There is a light within me that radiates joy through my soul. I've never felt this before...I wish I could share the feeling.

The Lord is good...so good. Not only has he stood by m y side through my darkest nights, but he has lifted me into the sunrise again. I'm overwhelmed by the blessings he's pouring down upon me. I couldn't ask for anything more.

When I wake up...part of me wants to just throw my window open and inhale the morning air. Inhale my new life. Is it possible to truly find the healing balm of Gilead in a place such as this? I don't hurt anymore Mi...that pain is only a shadowy memory of my past. It no longer saturates my every thought...no longer poison's my weary soul. It makes me want to weep in relief and joy.

I am free. Finally I am free.

...

I had this thought come to me the other day...it's a bit poetic and dramatic, but it describes one of my deepest feelings and understandings.
'In the darkness of night,
truth becomes clear...
And in the silence you hear
What lies underneath.'
I believe to truly understand ourselves, we must loose ourselves. Let go of what we can see, and take that leap into the unknown. Turn off our own ideas and allow the truth buried within us to come forth...and often it is in our darkest moments, when we feel the most alone, that we discover who we really are.

I am on that journey."

I think that says it all.

I Listened....

My....where do I start?? So much has happened in the past month, and I can't help but say that I am blown away and amazed.

Three weeks ago I moved to Provo, Utah. Now if you know me at all you'll know that I was adamantly against coming out west again. In my opinion it didn't do me good to come last year, so why would it this time? Thus I debated and struggled within myself, trying to decide what the next step of my life should be. Where should I go to school? Should I take time off and just work? Should I move out of my parents house again?

I pondered over these questions again and again...it wasn't until I talked with my parents one evening, about six weeks ago, that things became clear. They voiced there opinions and feelings regarding me that they had in the past while, and as they spoke the spirit wispered plainly what I should do.

It was time for me to swallow my pride and move to Provo.

So three weeks later, here I was. Moved in and in the midst of an adventure of whose outcome I had to idea. But it became clear to me, very quickly, that I had made the right decision. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. I felt the comfort and blessing of knowing that I was in the right place at the right time. I don't have the ability to describe the overwhelming emotion this knowledge envokes within me.

I am happy. Truly and completely happy. Most days are wonderful, even if I don't ever do anything really significant besides job hunting. I wake up in the morning and I can't help but feeling blessed.

Already I've made some great friends, and I've done exciting things. I've been out on great dates, gone to fun get-together's, and had adventures I never dreamed of. And it's only been a few weeks!!

It would be a sin to not publicly express my thanks to my Lord for pushing me to take this leap of faith. Things in my life finally seem to me to be full of promise and happiness, and it's all because of one thing.

I listened.

Faith and Trust.....

I haven't been able to write because I haven't wanted to think too much about how I'm feeling right now...it's been easier to push my thoughts aside and ignore them. But maybe it's time I start expressing how I'm feeling, maybe it will help me sort out my emotions that way.

My curveball went as quickly and as silently as it came, but that didn't stop it from leaving a burning wake in it's path. I doubt I've experienced such extreme emotions in so few weeks. One month felt like six, and it left me dazed, confused, and broken at the end. I experienced a new emotion, one that the years of past ache never touched upon. Numbness. Never has a wall so quickly shot up, never have I felt so detached from my feelings. I couldn't feel anything, except numbing nothingness. And then, Anger.

It sent in like a dense fog. I remembered what was beyond it, I knew what was behind it, and I understood what I had to do to get rid of it. But I didn't care. Anger sometimes works that way. I couldn't understand why this happened to me. Why again was I given something so amazing, only to have it forcibly taken away and ruined? Why when I had tried to be so careful in avoiding pain like this ever again, was I burning with the scar of yet another disappointment?

Hadn't I been doing what I was suppose to? Hadn't I been living my life in a way to expect answers to prayers and the desires of my heart? Hadn't I been humble and shown I was trusting in God's will? Hadn't I been trying to stay in tune with the Spirit so I might know the paths to take? I'm not perfect...but I was actively trying, so why?? Why did this have to happen to me??

I stopped praying. I was mad at God. I stopped writing. I was mad at myself. I stopped talking, stopped singing, stopped smiling. I acted normal to those who didn't really know me, but to those who did, I was distant, quiet, and shallow. I lost all will to make an effort in finding the positive. I simply pushed away all thoughts of wishful thinking and hope. I knew there was none to be had. I gave up on those dreams, on my desire to find the happiness so many have found. I accepted that it would forever be elusive to me. I only had the chance to feel shadows of the real, tastes of the actual substance. Never would I feel the complete wholeness that comes when you find that missing part of yourself.

I was broken.
And I didn't deserve it.



Time has passed....the days have continually moved along and I have waded on the surf. At times I am merely treading water. Others, I don't seem to be affected at all. It seems that this time the blanket of numbness is ever present. There are moments when, through a gap in the barrier, emotion comes flooding in and takes me off guard; then I understand how deeply the hurt goes. Most of the time; however, I feel nothing, and I try to hope for nothing. For hope and feeling leads to unwanted emotions, and unneeded risks. It's easier to believe in the negative but practical reality.

Yet....there is still a flame...or more, a single spark, that flickers faintly underneath all the barriers and walls. I sometimes find myself gazing upon it...lost in a daze as I view what it represents. In that single speck of light, I find all the buried hope, all the optimistic dreams that I try to think no longer of. When I see it's glimmer, I acutely feel the ache and longing that comes with a weak belief that my luck will someday change.

But to think too deeply upon this is to walk again into the realms I so painfully fell from. It means putting away the protection of the known, and wading once more into the realms of the unknown. To venture forth and feed this spark, entails opening myself up to actions I now shun. It means having faith. It means having trust.

Faith and trust....what frightening words. Some say they are the key to power and happiness...for myself, I'm not too sure. How can I have faith when before it has brought me disappointment? How can I trust when all it reaps is pain and sorrow? How do I allow myself to believe in something I have no proof will ever exist?

God has required so much of me. He has tested me, and pushed me beyond the point of breaking. I no longer complain. I no longer dwell on the injustice of life. It is not my place to desire more than He gives. I am trying to be content with my lot. So, why should I even desire and believe that I will ever has something more? Do I believe that God could do it? Of course. Do I believe that he WILL do it? I don't know...

That's where the faith comes in. That's where the trust takes place. I am trying to teach myself how to feel these again. I am trying to learn to be like a child....full of faith and absolute trust, having such an untarnished an optimistic view of life.

It is proving to be the longest road of my mortal experience.

Curve-balls and Whirlwinds

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change. Sometimes time chooses to take the slow road and it would seem that nothing new lurks in our horizon. Other times it decides to surprise us, and in an instant everything in our life has flipped. Often one surprise variable can be the changing factor in our personal journey.

Such a curve-ball has come my way. I didn't see it, didn't guess it, couldn't believe it when it hit me and knocked me of my game. But, oh what a curve-ball it was. It's changing my life, and I couldn't be more grateful.

The whirlwind that I find myself in now...the absolute storm that has swept me off my feet, is threatening to take my breath away. And I couldn't be happier with where it's spinning me. I'm scared and unsure of many things...but I can't ignore what I'm feeling and what's starting to form. I don't know the future...but if the present is any indication, then I can't wait to find out.

That's the scariest thing about curve-balls and whirlwinds...you didn't plan for or really expect them, so you're not sure how to handle them sometimes. I'm trying not t fight it, trying to let myself go. It am so happy..so very happy. I don't know what the future holds, but I have very high hopes.

Only that faithful entity called time will tell where this new adventure will go. I can only hold my breath, keep my fingers crossed, and pray for the best outcome. Here's to the unknown!

Blue

Soo....I'm feeling kind of blue. And there are many reasons why. Trevor is leaving, I miss some of my friends, and I'm feeling a bit lost again. I really don't know what path I need to take right now, and it's killing me to go back and forth between my options. I wish I could just get a clear cut answer, but unfortunately life rarely works that way.

I guess the thing to do now is just get some sleep. The world always looks better in the morning.

So this was a short and shallow post...oh well. Goodnight everyone.

I Think I Finally Figured It Out

I had an amazing day today. Wait, correction, I had an amazing week. I don't know what it was about it, I only know that I've been reflecting all day at how blissfully happy I am. I feel on top of the world right now, and I'm loving life.

I think my mood is not because of the fun and eventful days I've enjoyed; rather, I think it's due to simply my attitude on the world around me. You see....I think I finally figured it out.

The key to happiness.

Life isn't perfect right now, and there are still so many unknowns ahead of me. School is crazy and hectic, my friends are getting married left and right, I still don't know what I am going to do after May, and my love life seems as fruitless as tree in winter...yet, I am happy. I am positive. Why is that?

A year ago I did not feel this way. I was getting ready to move back to Florida and take a leap of faith that would end up dropping me in a hole. I was stressed, lonely, and a little lost. I had lost sight of who I was...I was angry and sad. I was different.

Yet now things have flipped a 180. My circumstances are still not too different, but I as a person, am. I have finally figured out that I control my journey. It's true I don't have much say in the obstacles that are thrown in my way, but I still have control of my wheel. I don't know where the road will go, but I'll take it in stride and cherish every moment. Because, I have learned that the outcome of my life is entirely dependent upon the energy I give to it. I can chose to sulk and cry "ah me", or I can hold my head tall and say "Bring it on". I can choose to bear every event, good or bad, with a hopeful and confident attitude, for I know full well that things are never as bad as they seem.

The difference between the successful and the average is this: the average take what they're given and let it change and define them. The successful take what they're given and then they change and define IT. They are the makers of there own lives.

That's the key. That simple truth.

Happiness is dependent on Me.

There is no place like Home!

After a long day of traveling, I finally landed on my home ground and walked out into the beautiful Florida night. I hardly have the ability to describe the ecstasy and relief I felt upon seeing my brother pull up in our familiar red Altima. Nor dare I try to explain the peace and joy I felt being once again in the state I love.

Home. There is something sacred in that word, some unidentifiable element that evokes such feeling and emotion in the soul of the one who utters it. To me, it means love. To me, it means sanctuary.

Please, do not misunderstand my meaning. I enjoyed the two weeks I spent in the winter valley of Salt Lake City. I will always cherish the rare and priceless memories I shared with dear friends, family members, and loved ones. I laughed and reminisced with some, cried with others, and learned lessons through it all. I will not soon forget the trip.

But, to be home. To walk the familiar halls of my family's dwelling, and to hear the sounds of those people I love most....it takes my breath away.

You may think me over-dramatic, but then I say you do not know my home. You do not know the souls of those whom I call my family, nor have you sensed the almost holy spirit that dwells within these humble walls. This is my world, my everything. These people have stood with me with unwavering loyalty. These walls have sheltered me through all storms. This place is my fortress. These souls are my greatest allies.

It has only been two days since I came back, yet the peace and happiness I have felt rivals that of all the feelings of the previous two weeks combined.

Truly....there is no place like home.

Huh....guess I did learn something

The roller coaster continues...As my good friend put it last night "Life dosen't cease making you live it". Just when I think things in my life are going my way, and settling down, Heavenly Father throws me a curve ball. I guess he just likes to keep me on my toes. I'm sitting here, alone at the computer, with only my thoughts to keep me company. Such has been the pattern of the day. As I ponder upon the events of the last few months, and even the last year, I can't help but wonder when these things will work to my good. When will the lessons I have learned reward me?

I realize; however, that I have learned from my past. The trials I faced almost a year ago, have impacted me and I realize that there lingering calouses have blunted the pains of today. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am different. Experiences that once would have dragged me to an inch of destruction, now barely cause me to trip and kiss a small sting. Horrible as my past was, discouraging as my present has been, I know that all will be well. I know that I will not be moved. I am a product of my experiences, and they have made a more stubborn, tough, relentless individual. They have simply driven me to have high expectations and low tollerances.

Some may say these new attributes are undesirable, too harsh. I boldly dissagree. Was it not a prophet himself that said "When I was a child I thought as a child, and spoke as a child, but now that I am a man I put off childish things."? Well when I was young, and inexperienced, my ideas and opinions of the world were overly opptimistic, and far to saturated in romantisicm. Now that I have a few hard years under my belt, I have given up these childish idealistic dreams. I understand the world better, and am thus prepared to handle what it throws at me.

I still believe, I still have hope, and I seek to find meaning and happiness in my life. But no longer do I believe that my life will play out like a fairytale. This is not my lot. Maybe one day the Lord will change that tune, but until his all knowing hand reaches out and alters the course of my path, I will face the challenges of my story, head on. I am not the damsel in distress. I am the heroin. I am my own savior. And with my God at my side I need not wait for life to send me a lucky break. I will make it the hard way. I will weave my own success, despite the adversary's tries to thwart me.

This have I learned, that I am the author of my own happiness. That I control what I will become. I choose to rise in the tourent of adversity. I choose to believe it will in the end, be for my good. I have learned. I have learned.