Faith and Trust.....

I haven't been able to write because I haven't wanted to think too much about how I'm feeling right now...it's been easier to push my thoughts aside and ignore them. But maybe it's time I start expressing how I'm feeling, maybe it will help me sort out my emotions that way.

My curveball went as quickly and as silently as it came, but that didn't stop it from leaving a burning wake in it's path. I doubt I've experienced such extreme emotions in so few weeks. One month felt like six, and it left me dazed, confused, and broken at the end. I experienced a new emotion, one that the years of past ache never touched upon. Numbness. Never has a wall so quickly shot up, never have I felt so detached from my feelings. I couldn't feel anything, except numbing nothingness. And then, Anger.

It sent in like a dense fog. I remembered what was beyond it, I knew what was behind it, and I understood what I had to do to get rid of it. But I didn't care. Anger sometimes works that way. I couldn't understand why this happened to me. Why again was I given something so amazing, only to have it forcibly taken away and ruined? Why when I had tried to be so careful in avoiding pain like this ever again, was I burning with the scar of yet another disappointment?

Hadn't I been doing what I was suppose to? Hadn't I been living my life in a way to expect answers to prayers and the desires of my heart? Hadn't I been humble and shown I was trusting in God's will? Hadn't I been trying to stay in tune with the Spirit so I might know the paths to take? I'm not perfect...but I was actively trying, so why?? Why did this have to happen to me??

I stopped praying. I was mad at God. I stopped writing. I was mad at myself. I stopped talking, stopped singing, stopped smiling. I acted normal to those who didn't really know me, but to those who did, I was distant, quiet, and shallow. I lost all will to make an effort in finding the positive. I simply pushed away all thoughts of wishful thinking and hope. I knew there was none to be had. I gave up on those dreams, on my desire to find the happiness so many have found. I accepted that it would forever be elusive to me. I only had the chance to feel shadows of the real, tastes of the actual substance. Never would I feel the complete wholeness that comes when you find that missing part of yourself.

I was broken.
And I didn't deserve it.



Time has passed....the days have continually moved along and I have waded on the surf. At times I am merely treading water. Others, I don't seem to be affected at all. It seems that this time the blanket of numbness is ever present. There are moments when, through a gap in the barrier, emotion comes flooding in and takes me off guard; then I understand how deeply the hurt goes. Most of the time; however, I feel nothing, and I try to hope for nothing. For hope and feeling leads to unwanted emotions, and unneeded risks. It's easier to believe in the negative but practical reality.

Yet....there is still a flame...or more, a single spark, that flickers faintly underneath all the barriers and walls. I sometimes find myself gazing upon it...lost in a daze as I view what it represents. In that single speck of light, I find all the buried hope, all the optimistic dreams that I try to think no longer of. When I see it's glimmer, I acutely feel the ache and longing that comes with a weak belief that my luck will someday change.

But to think too deeply upon this is to walk again into the realms I so painfully fell from. It means putting away the protection of the known, and wading once more into the realms of the unknown. To venture forth and feed this spark, entails opening myself up to actions I now shun. It means having faith. It means having trust.

Faith and trust....what frightening words. Some say they are the key to power and happiness...for myself, I'm not too sure. How can I have faith when before it has brought me disappointment? How can I trust when all it reaps is pain and sorrow? How do I allow myself to believe in something I have no proof will ever exist?

God has required so much of me. He has tested me, and pushed me beyond the point of breaking. I no longer complain. I no longer dwell on the injustice of life. It is not my place to desire more than He gives. I am trying to be content with my lot. So, why should I even desire and believe that I will ever has something more? Do I believe that God could do it? Of course. Do I believe that he WILL do it? I don't know...

That's where the faith comes in. That's where the trust takes place. I am trying to teach myself how to feel these again. I am trying to learn to be like a child....full of faith and absolute trust, having such an untarnished an optimistic view of life.

It is proving to be the longest road of my mortal experience.