Expressing

"I would build walls for miles around me

Around anything that hurt, any sensitive category

Kept love at an arms length, it was natural to me

You did not agree

You said things like "Unhealthy" 

And I took on the task

Of changing my pattern

All you did was ask

And all the walls all came crashing

At a welcoming speed

I was convinced you'd never hurt me

I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time....

Bouncing my heart around, like a cheap rubber toy....

And after countless hours, of crying

Trying to forgive you

Believe you,

Grow a spine and leave you,

Grieve you

I've come to this conclusion.

No one prepares when choosing to stay

How to dare share a bed again,

Keep demons at bay

You took something precious

Just meant for me

How could you not see...?

And I used to cling to the back of your mind

But I must have let go at that moment in time..."

-Maria Mena

I hesitate to write anything, I've been avoiding it for a very long time. Trying to protect the person that was most dear to my heart. But I guess that's all past now. If expressing my feelings is allowed, then I will express them. If it's not allowed...then I apologize. But I will express. 

How do I even begin to paint the picture of hell that I've known for two years? Well...even longer than that, I just didn't know what it was at the time? How do I explain the pain of something so fragile being torn apart? How do I explain the renewed heartache and constant re-breaking as my feelings got brushed aside? All I can do is say...imagine this:

After the discovery...after the pieces now all line up and you understand why you have been feeling neglected, and alone...your world falls apart. You cry, and you plead. You struggle to stay patient, forgiving. Yet there is now a void in your heart...a void that isn't getting filled...in fact it is growing. You hate yourself. Hate that you can't get back what you once had. Hate that you feel crazy...you can't trust, you don't believe. You see lies and deceit in everything. Jealousy. Resentment. You go mad as you battle the demons raging inside of your head. You feel inadequate. You blame yourself for what has happened. It must have been your fault to begin with. You fight feeling helpless. You fight feeling worthless. Your confidence has been beaten...and you now feel guilty that you can't overcome the hurt and betrayal. You wonder why you can't be better, stronger, kinder? You're expected to let this go. Become the bigger person. Forgive. Trust.

So you try. You fight your demons day and night. You realize the only way to survive is to put on a mask and to bury everything...deep down and far away. The pain becomes an echo and you can go on for a while like everything is back to normal. You laugh, yet you don't feel happy. You smile yet you don't feel joy. You cry yet you don't feel sadness. You don't feel....everything has become a shadow...a faded version of what it should be. Slowly your wall and mask begin to crack. You start loosing control little by little...until one day one cataclysmic moment bursts the guard and everything comes flooding back. Sadness and acute pain...it wracks at you and cuts you. You thought you had experienced heart-wrenching sadness before, but you had no idea. You realize you have been dying slowly each day.

Yet still....you stay. You keep waging the war. More pleading. More tears. More burying. Fear engulfs you. You feel trapped. You cry out to God begging for an answer. For relief. For guidance. He gives it. In another painful, shattering blow. You fall again. You can't breath. You can't think.

Again you're expected to forgive. To trust. To overcome. So you try. You do everything you know how. You seek guidance, strength, perspective. You fall to your knees over and over. You watch. You plead until your voice grows silent. Nothing is happening. Apathy becomes the new dagger of hurt. There is no true sorrow. No true remorse. No true sign of understanding. So you lock up your emotions again...you keep waiting...hoping...praying. 

Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are dead. You see ghosts within...the lines on your face have deepened. The ache in your body comes from a place more destructive than physical. You see no happiness...your countenance is dull. You are fading. You are loosing yourself to the sorrow, and the pain. You realize your heart is gone. Sheltered behind walls of iron and stone. 

Finally...the pain has grown enough...enough to realize anything would be better than this. Rejection. Humiliation. Judgement. Loneliness. Condemnation. 

All would be worth it...if it meant your heart could heal. If it could find peace within the darkness. Even if it meant you stood alone...forever. You would at least have yourself.

Finally you have enough courage. Finally you have been humbled enough. Finally you begin to walk blindly and take a leap of faith. 

The plunge is heartbreaking...but nothing compared to the past 2 years. As the decision is made and followed, peace begins to encompass you. You feel relief. You feel light. There begins to grow a shred of hope...you feel you must protect it. You are not the same...but you know you will survive.

Imagine all of this...and then understand...it is only a scratch on the real thing.

I have come to realize that others cannot hope to understand my pain and heartache. Some will try and be empathetic, other's will simply not see it at all...or they will diminish it. But that is alright. At the end of the day I want to be able to look into the mirror and see myself again. I want the hollowness to be filled again. I want to feel safe to love and trust again. I can't change what happened nor can I control the emotional and mental effects it had on me. All I can do is the best with my present choices now. I am ready to rise.

Inner Nature, Inner Voice

There is a voice inside of me, quiet, almost still. It is a strange voice, yet somehow, I know it well. It has been ignored, neglected, and even at times silenced. But I feel it awakening once again. Ever so slowly it is beginning to become louder and louder. I’m terrified to listen, but I know that to ignore it any longer will be even more frightening.

Time has taught me to silence that voice. Expectations of others have formed their own voices inside of me that yell and seek to have me follow their ways. Self-doubt has sewn seeds of mistrust. Fear or rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of loneliness has driven me so forcibly down a path without truly stopping to listen to that voice, my own soul, and my inner compass that knows me better than anyone in this world, even myself. What will happen if I begin to heed its direction? I have no idea. I am terrified of relinquishing preconceived notions of my life. I am terrified of exploring my deepest self…what will I discover? What demons will I unearth? What light will begin to shine forth?

Inner Nature….the true source of self. The admittance of “Things Are as They Are”. Ignorance and neglect of this nature leads everyone to sorrow, confusion and pain. When we listen, when we accept, when we embrace everything “as it is”, we begin to see real change. We begin to appreciate the individual beauty and suppleness of every soul and every form of life in this world. If we begin to explore and discover our own inner nature, we become changed forever. We find humility in admitting our limitations, and power in understanding what we can and cannot do about those limitations. We find courage and self-acceptance as we discover the power we hold within us, the force for good and light.

It is unfortunate that we become so consumed with a “higher goal” or “grand reward” that we forget that we are here on a journey. A journey to find joy, love and beauty. A journey in which we have the capacity to do good and change the world, even in a small way. Life should not be lived in fear, in a constant rush to aim higher, be better, or conform to our society’s definition of who we ought to be. Life was meant to be cherished, to be the greatest experience of our eternal souls. When we sit back, become quiet and still, and listen to that inner voice that is connected with the source of all truth, we can find direction, purpose and peace in this life.

Too often we cause ourselves pain. Fear and pride lead us to these places and frequently keep us there. What might happen if we let go of fear? If we let go of our definition of “the way things SHOULD be”. Things are as they are….we cannot change what is. We can only change our reaction, our appreciation and acceptance of those facts. If we allow ourselves to gently ride the current of life, travel with it through the ups, downs, twists, and turns, we will find that we will reach our destination with fewer bruises. When we fight against the current, when we deny who we are and what we are capable of, we do ourselves a disservice. We spend our lives aspiring to be someone else and miss the beautiful truth that WE are glorious even in our imperfections.

We are not defined by the darkness or the light that resides in us. We are defined of our use of that darkness and light. Our weakness can become sources of strength if we stop trying to make them disappear. If we can, instead, learn to work with them and redirect their energy, we will find that they can be forces of change in us. Just as powerful is the acceptance of our light. Of our own unique abilities and qualities. Our Inner Nature is begging that we stop trying to be who we are not and instead embrace who we are. We were never meant to be as another. We were meant to be our purest and most powerful self.

I am allowing my journey to lead me to my Inner Nature and allow that voice to guide the rest of my life. I am finished with walking the path “I think” I’m supposed to walk. I am determined to enter the path I was always meant to travel and embrace the wonders that path will discover. This is key to joy and the key to happiness. To walk my true path and embrace my true self.