"I would build walls for miles around me
Around anything that hurt, any sensitive category
Kept love at an arms length, it was natural to me
You did not agree
You said things like "Unhealthy"
And I took on the task
Of changing my pattern
All you did was ask
And all the walls all came crashing
At a welcoming speed
I was convinced you'd never hurt me
I used to cling to the back of your mind
But I must have let go at that moment in time....
Bouncing my heart around, like a cheap rubber toy....
And after countless hours, of crying
Trying to forgive you
Believe you,
Grow a spine and leave you,
Grieve you
I've come to this conclusion.
No one prepares when choosing to stay
How to dare share a bed again,
Keep demons at bay
You took something precious
Just meant for me
How could you not see...?
And I used to cling to the back of your mind
But I must have let go at that moment in time..."
-Maria Mena
I hesitate to write anything, I've been avoiding it for a very long time. Trying to protect the person that was most dear to my heart. But I guess that's all past now. If expressing my feelings is allowed, then I will express them. If it's not allowed...then I apologize. But I will express.
How do I even begin to paint the picture of hell that I've known for two years? Well...even longer than that, I just didn't know what it was at the time? How do I explain the pain of something so fragile being torn apart? How do I explain the renewed heartache and constant re-breaking as my feelings got brushed aside? All I can do is say...imagine this:
After the discovery...after the pieces now all line up and you understand why you have been feeling neglected, and alone...your world falls apart. You cry, and you plead. You struggle to stay patient, forgiving. Yet there is now a void in your heart...a void that isn't getting filled...in fact it is growing. You hate yourself. Hate that you can't get back what you once had. Hate that you feel crazy...you can't trust, you don't believe. You see lies and deceit in everything. Jealousy. Resentment. You go mad as you battle the demons raging inside of your head. You feel inadequate. You blame yourself for what has happened. It must have been your fault to begin with. You fight feeling helpless. You fight feeling worthless. Your confidence has been beaten...and you now feel guilty that you can't overcome the hurt and betrayal. You wonder why you can't be better, stronger, kinder? You're expected to let this go. Become the bigger person. Forgive. Trust.
So you try. You fight your demons day and night. You realize the only way to survive is to put on a mask and to bury everything...deep down and far away. The pain becomes an echo and you can go on for a while like everything is back to normal. You laugh, yet you don't feel happy. You smile yet you don't feel joy. You cry yet you don't feel sadness. You don't feel....everything has become a shadow...a faded version of what it should be. Slowly your wall and mask begin to crack. You start loosing control little by little...until one day one cataclysmic moment bursts the guard and everything comes flooding back. Sadness and acute pain...it wracks at you and cuts you. You thought you had experienced heart-wrenching sadness before, but you had no idea. You realize you have been dying slowly each day.
Yet still....you stay. You keep waging the war. More pleading. More tears. More burying. Fear engulfs you. You feel trapped. You cry out to God begging for an answer. For relief. For guidance. He gives it. In another painful, shattering blow. You fall again. You can't breath. You can't think.
Again you're expected to forgive. To trust. To overcome. So you try. You do everything you know how. You seek guidance, strength, perspective. You fall to your knees over and over. You watch. You plead until your voice grows silent. Nothing is happening. Apathy becomes the new dagger of hurt. There is no true sorrow. No true remorse. No true sign of understanding. So you lock up your emotions again...you keep waiting...hoping...praying.
Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are dead. You see ghosts within...the lines on your face have deepened. The ache in your body comes from a place more destructive than physical. You see no happiness...your countenance is dull. You are fading. You are loosing yourself to the sorrow, and the pain. You realize your heart is gone. Sheltered behind walls of iron and stone.
Finally...the pain has grown enough...enough to realize anything would be better than this. Rejection. Humiliation. Judgement. Loneliness. Condemnation.
All would be worth it...if it meant your heart could heal. If it could find peace within the darkness. Even if it meant you stood alone...forever. You would at least have yourself.
Finally you have enough courage. Finally you have been humbled enough. Finally you begin to walk blindly and take a leap of faith.
The plunge is heartbreaking...but nothing compared to the past 2 years. As the decision is made and followed, peace begins to encompass you. You feel relief. You feel light. There begins to grow a shred of hope...you feel you must protect it. You are not the same...but you know you will survive.
Imagine all of this...and then understand...it is only a scratch on the real thing.
I have come to realize that others cannot hope to understand my pain and heartache. Some will try and be empathetic, other's will simply not see it at all...or they will diminish it. But that is alright. At the end of the day I want to be able to look into the mirror and see myself again. I want the hollowness to be filled again. I want to feel safe to love and trust again. I can't change what happened nor can I control the emotional and mental effects it had on me. All I can do is the best with my present choices now. I am ready to rise.
