I feel that's sad for those who read this...but for me it's cathartic. And what's incredible is that for 2 years I have not felt at a point where I need the outlet. I've had so many sources of happiness, and so many ways to artistically express myself, that I've not felt the need to write.
Until now. And really now is only because it's been building up...slowly. Not solely one event, but many events. Many thoughts. Many feelings. All wrapped up. Building. Stirring around in my mind and my soul until they are bursting and I don't know how to feel calm again.
3 months ago I performed on stage to a song called. "Get It Right". Here are some lyrics from that song.
What Have I Done?
I Wish I Could Run
Away From This Ship Going Under
What Can You Do, When Your Good Isn't Good Enough?
And All That You Touch Tumbles Down.
My Best Intentions Keep Making A Mess Of Things
I Just Want to Fix It Somehow
But How Many Times Will It Take...
To Get It Right?
I don't think anyone understands how those words spell the anthem to my heart. To my soul.
I have realized that for a very good portion of my life...really...all of my life....I have never felt good enough. I have felt that despite my desires, my efforts, my wishes, I have screwed up everything and everyone around me.
I can count on one hand the people who have stayed around and never left.
I can't even fill up one hand with people that I haven't hurt or offended. In fact...there is probably no one who can say that I've never hurt them.
Yet...never once in my life...have I ever wanted to hurt anyone.
All I've wanted is for people to be happy and, if possible, be a reason they smile sometimes.
But really, if I'm honest with myself....I don't feel like anyone really needs me to be happy. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone that people want around. Deep down...I don't understand why anyone would want me in their life.
It's exhausting. I realize that, like an actress, I put on a mask every day. I have to be the person everyone expects of me. I can't be myself or truly express myself because if I did, everyone would hate what they would see. I act like I have my shit together, but in reality I'm just trying not to drown. I'm trying, every day, to find my purpose. To feel worthwhile. To feel like someone that the world sees value in.
To feel needed.
To feel special.
To feel heard.
Perhaps we all feel that way...at least some of the time. Maybe we are all just lonely people trying to figure out how to stop feeling lonely.
Or perhaps...that's just me. And perhaps that will always be me. Perhaps no matter what, I will have to learn to embrace the solitude. Perhaps I am incapable of truly connecting with the world. Perhaps that is why it always seems to fall apart.
I feel ungrateful. I feel broken. I have an adoring husband, and 3 wonderful creatures that just shower me with affection. That should be enough. This home....this place...I should feel grateful that at least here I can feel needed. Here I can feel loved and wanted. As I'm writing this....my sweet Yuna is placing her paw and my face and trying to give me kisses. Somehow she knows I'm empty right now.
That's probably why I like animals so much more than humans.
You can be at your worst...and they still see you as enough.
But still...I wonder. Will I ever feel at peace outside of these moments? Will I ever stop trying to figure out how to fit in, be seen and be heard in a world that has always felt just out of my reach?
I doubt I'll ever be allowed....to really be myself. I'll never be allowed to let everyone see who I am, what I think and what I feel.
It's all just an act. This world is simply a stage. I am merely an actress doing my best to put on a great show.
Sometimes I really suck at acting.
