Letting Go

October 13th...over two months since my previous blog. So much has happened, and things I once said would never be are now blossoming into fruition. The Lord has continued to surprise and bless me...even though I feel in many ways I do not deserve it. It has been a remarkable journey, and one I have never tread before.

I'm in love again. I use to be scared to admit it, but finally I've pulled down that wall, and now I can say it with joy. I'm in LOVE and I'm going to marry him. He's my best friend, and the one man I know I can trust eternally with my heart. He's been there for me for over two years...patiently waiting in the background for me to finally wake up, open my eyes, and see him for who he truly is. Now that I have, there is no going back. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but him. Being away from him causes me pain, and being without him has become an unbearable idea. I choose that man to be my companion for eternity, and I want him to hold onto me forever.

My emotions are actually very close to the surface right now, and I'm not sure how to adequately express all I'm feeling. I'm feeling joy, peace, comfort, and excitement; but I'm also feeling an acute sense of loneliness. Not only am I going three days without seeing my other half, but I'm also feeling homesick for both my earthly and heavenly homes.

It's my mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mami), and I wish I could be with her for it. I wish I could give her a huge hug and kiss and tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she has done for me. She was a rock when I had a shaky foundation and she has stood by my side since the moment I was born.

I also met with my Bishop and had a very good meeting with him, but it's also caused me to reflect upon myself...and upon my weaknesses. How desperately I wish that I could kneel at my Savior's feet and pour out my soul to him. How I yearn for His arms to surround me and let me know He loves me and knows me. I want to be more like Him and I'm saddened by my human frailities.

Yet, most of all, I miss the one who's arms instill the greatest sense of comfort and security. I miss the hands that tenderly caress me, and the eyes which hold my future in them. I wish he was here. I wish I could hop in a car and be with him in moments. It seems a cruel joke to be so in love with someone but so far away. I can hardly wait for the day when I never have to be separated from him again. I long for the morning I can wake up knowing he will be the first person I see.

These are uncharted waters. I've never been this deep before, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know quite how to handle all of this and in so many ways it still seems so unreal. Am I really in love again? Am I really talking about getting married? Is there really a man who loves me more than anything and wants ME??

It has been a process getting here...it's been a scary journey of taking down my walls and allowing my heart to feel again. But they did come down...and guess what...

I'm letting go.